Tag Archives: Tiger Woods

Rory McIlroy

What an awesome win at the US Open. I cried when he hugged his Dad. I don’t cry often. Sometimes I cry when the GEICO lizard gets sad, but usually he’s having a good laugh. It’s rare when the Irish come in first at anything. If drinking earned medals, we’d kick everyone’s ass. I think the Russians would give us a good run, but fuck you, Vladimir; we will give up our souls to win a drinking competition. We only won one medal in the Beijing Olympics and that was a boxer who probably wasn’t even “officially” entered. Probably just a drunk Irish guy who got a weird look from some Chinese guy in a bar and started punching Chinese people ’til he accidentally won a gold medal.

And yes, I am admittedly a Tiger hater. I’d like to state my Tiger hating began pre-I slept with 900 women other than my wife and the one who works at the Waffle House. I don’t care what he does off the course. My brother and I have argued for years over this because he is not a Tiger hater. He says Tiger plays with “passion.” I say, “Yeah, whatever, Patrick. You can ‘play with passion’ and still not be a dick”. Tiger never smiles, never laughs his ass off, is never accommodating to fans or the media, which he pathologically lies to. If I was a member of the press, I wouldn’t even ask him questions anymore because 9 out of 10 answers are a lie.

“Are you hurt?”

“No, I’m fine.”

Two days later, he’s withdrawing from a tourney because he’s hurt. If I was forced to ask him shit, then when I wrote my article, I’d put after each sentence–(could be a lie, don’t blame me.)

It was nice to see Rory, a 22-year-old, who smiles, laughs and at least APPEARS to be having fun while kicking everyone’s ass. Good for him. Rory ate it at the Masters like the French dude at the British Open but he stood there and answered every question and gave actual answers instead of whatever some bullshit “sports shrink” told him to say. I’m sure it’s embarrassing to have a meltdown in front of the world. I’m embarrassed at my Mom’s “Ladies League” when I miss a putt and they’re all 80 and blasted by 9 a.m. He said he just wanted to go have beers with his friends. So would I after that meltdown. But that’s what is fun about the Irish. We like a good drink (or 12) after extreme sadness or extreme happiness. Or really anytime, but more so in the extreme moments.

I do hope Tiger comes back. But only so Rory or Ricky or any other of the 20 somethings can kick his ass. For 15 years of acting like an asshole, I think 15 years of getting his ass handed to him would bring it back to even. And no matter what, I’m still rooting for Raymond Floyd. My brother doesn’t see it, but Raymond is gonna make the comeback of the century and win Masters at age 60.

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