10-5-12 | Fargo, ND | Fargo Theatre

…will be on sale 4-18-12 @10:00am local thru 4-19-12 @4:00pm local or until the block is sold out, whichever comes first.

BUY KATHLEEN MADIGAN PRE-SALE TICKETS

You will need to set up a free account if you have not already.

Thanks!

There’s been a lot of arguing lately about their “no women allowed as members” policy. The last time I’d heard of such a thing was on the Little Rascals. But I’ve known about their policy for quite awhile because I like to watch and play golf. However, this policy did not stop me last week from running right in that gate as if my ass was on fire with a free practice round ticket and a credit card to buy shirts for everyone in my life that has been on good behavior. I even bought beach towels. Yes, they have Masters beach towels. Pink was sold out so I bought green. So, I can’t really speak of taking the high road or being morally sound because I’m clearly a souvenir/ free ticket whore. But I can speak on what I just don’t understand.

One guy online actually wrote this regarding the “no women allowed as members” policy:

CURVES is all women and you don’t see men throwing a fit.

Ok, first of all sir, how do you know that? Weird, sir. Weird. Secondly, are you really going to compare CURVES to the Masters? CURVES, for those of you who don’t know, is an exercise facility usually found in strip malls and it’s for women and usually women my mom’s age who don’t want to be seen in shorts EVER again if they can help it. They’ve also been hiding their weight for 70 years from everyone, including themselves, and would like to continue to do so. There are no souvenirs, no televised event, definitely no snacks and no corporate sponsors. Reading that online comment is why I have to tell myself to stop reading “comments” online. The level of arguing is even below my level and my level is not that high. My level usually concludes with, “Yeah, well, whatever, fuckface.” Not very adult, but at least I’m not reaching for ridiculous comparisons.

People argue, “Well it’s a private club. They can be as sexist and racist as they want.” This was true for many years, but as the Masters grew in popularity, more people became shocked and outraged about the fact they also didn’t let African American men become members AND, here’s the big AND, shocked and outraged that major corporations were sponsoring it. They finally let African American men become members in 1990. Yes, 1990. Very few became outraged that they still won’t let women become members. I didn’t. And that’s why I’m lame. I didn’t because I’ve never want to be a member of somewhere I’m not wanted. I’m not a fighter. I’m a walk away-er. I’m not saying this is a good thing. It’s why I would have been a terrible women’s right’s lady. “Well if they don’t want us to vote, then whatever. I’ll be at the bar. Let them pick whatever jackass they want. I’m too tired to fight these morons. I was going to have a glass of wine but while you’ve all been arguing about voting, I just made up a new cocktail in my head.” That’s usually my attitude. Thank god other women have more zip and care more than me. If I were in charge, we’d still all be sitting around in those weird dresses sipping tea, playing Chinese checkers and adjusting our uncomfortable hats.

But I really don’t want to go where I’m not wanted. I was just told recently (2 months ago) by a major television network I couldn’t play in a televised golf tournament because there are no women playing right now. They PUT THAT IN WRITING AND HIT SEND. What does that even mean? Well clearly there are none playing because you said so. I had already been invited by someone associated with it and then uninvited by a network. I didn’t ask to be in it to begin with. That’s what makes it extra bizarre. I’m sitting here minding my own business and all this went on in emails. They’re lucky they sent that answer back to a lazy women who just went, “Well that blows. Assholes. I’m never watching that channel again. Unless they move DEXTER to that channel and then I’ll have to revert to my whorish behavior.” My friends said, “Well you should fight that.” I just don’t have the energy and then if I win the fight, I get there and I’m “that lady.” No thanks. I’ll go play with my normal guy friends who like women and value my straight drives in a scramble.

I just don’t understand why men wouldn’t want women around. I don’t know men like that. Or maybe I do but they just don’t tell me which is fine because then I don’t know. What exactly is the perk of no women? Are strippers being brought in? Hookers? What is the secret? I seriously don’t understand. Sometimes we hear them say “it’s tradition.” Ok, we know that. But again, why? Traditions usually mean a comfortable fun repetitive thing. Are these guys not comfortable around women? WTF is going on in there that no black people or women should see? I don’t care if you have strippers or hookers. I mean, unless I’m your wife. That would be weird and probably a cause for a talk but otherwise, whatever. I’ve seen tons of hookers at the video poker bars in Las Vegas and regardless of what they’re up to, they always add a little extra pizzazz to a bar and always have an interesting background if you just ask them. Here’s what I know for sure, hookers are NEVER boring conversationalists.

For non golf fans, the topic is extra on fire because normally the Masters top secret membership group allows the CEO of IBM–one of its major sponsors–to become an honorary member. Well, whamo, this year IBM hired a woman. Now what? I think they’ll let her in but not until no one is paying attention and then there will be some weird small press release saying they did. They can save face and act like it wasn’t “at the point of a bayonet.” That is the phrase the last president of Augusta used regarding when they would let women become members. A bayonet? Wow. Who still has Civil War weaponry references in their day to day vocabulary? Oh, right, they do. And if I was this female CEO of IBM and they let me in, I’d run my ass right down there and play. Well, in my mind I would, but if they told me I couldn’t take a cart, I’d probably just play #16 because it’s the nicest hole. Then, I’d go to the bar and get stared at for an uncomfortable amount of time and then, of course, hit the souvenir shop on my out.

P.S…my favorite golfer is Miguel Jiminez…he drinks, smokes, has an extra 5 lbs of belly and laughs. He is nice to the fans. Clearly, he knows golf isn’t everything. Having fun is supposed to be part of all of it too. He’s also only two years older than me but looks ten years older which makes me feel good about myself.

To find an affiliate or listen online – The Stephanie Miller Show – Listen Live

For more info on The Stephanie Miller Show on Current TV – Talking Liberally with Stephanie Miller

Kathleen joined Lewis Black, Andy Borowitz, Todd Barry and Ted Alexandro for a taping of the News Quiz USA in NYC on March 20th. The show duplicates the format of the British version, fronted by Sandi Toksvig and featuring regular panelists such as Jeremy Hardy and Andy Hamilton commenting sardonically on the news.

The BBC hopes to tailor the show for broadcast in the US and BBC Radio 4 will air the pilot of the American version Thursday, March 22nd 11 pm GMT (7pm ET) as part of its coverage of this year’s US presidential election.

Podcast of The News Quiz USA
Available until March 30th

See more pics in the gallery…

Tickets are on sale Monday, now through Ticketmaster.com, the Phoenix Convention Center Box Office, or by calling 800-745-3000. Reserved tickets are $98, $78, and $53, and are subject to a convenience charge. Founders and Presidents Circle ticket packages will be available at MyBillofRights.org/concert.

Click here for more information about the project.

GET TIX HERE

If you’d like to be a part of the audience for the taping, tickets are available. Here is all the info….

Date: March 20, 2012, 7:00pm

Tickets: Free

Email newsquizusa@bbc.co.uk with your name, address and zip code.
LIMIT 2 PER PERSON

Venue:
The Greene Space
44 Charlton Street
New York, NY

News Quiz USA will air on BBC Radio 4 on March 22nd. It duplicates the format of the British version, which is chaired by Sandi Toksvig and features regular panellists such as Jeremy Hardy and Andy Hamilton commenting sardonically on the news.

Click here for more info on The News Quiz USA

I was going to write about politics, but I had so much fun watching the Grammy awards I thought I’d share a few thoughts. I love Adele. I love Jennifer Hudson. I like Katy Perry. I love Mumford and Sons. That being said, let’s go through some things that ran through my mind.

Radiohead was nominated and every time I hear them I think, “Oh. This must be drug music.” I then realize I’ve officially turned into my father. I’m a 70 year-old white guy in a recliner who doesn’t understand much after Iwo Jima. Then I decided not to be so judgmental. That lasted until Chris Brown came out to thunderous applause. He beat the living shit out of a woman and threw her out of a car. A woman, Rihanna, who is RIGHT THERE. A woman, who by the way, my Dad thinks is Beyonce and doesn’t understand why she won’t sing louder. I explained that she’s actually Rihanna. He then asked if that was a Stevie Nicks song. Wow, close Dad! Points for close. No, Rhiannon is a Stevie Nicks song but let’s just move on. Maybe there’s a guy backstage who killed a woman, but who can dance well and we can clap for. Who knows?

And there’s Lady Gaga. I’ve seen Lady GaGa in concert and it is exactly what you’d think—shocking. Fun and energetic, but no staying power. She’s sitting there with a rhinestone fishnet over her face, holding a scepter and winning nothing. Meanwhile, Adele, in a normal dress, is winning everything. GaGa is an extension of Madonna, who is not a great singer but shocks everyone and performs well. But shock fades. After awhile the only thing left shocking to do would be to not be shocking. But it’s way too late for that. You’ve stuck yourself in the “gotta be shocking” category and have to live with it. The result? Madonna’s halftime show. Nothing shocking except that she can still do it at her age.

Here comes Niki Minaj. I don’t know what she does, but remaining open minded. Uh-oh. This is weird. And getting much weirder. I hope the Vatican doesn’t have cable. As a performer, all I can think is, wow, this number costs a shitload of money. The lights, the set, the dancers, etc…all this for this song? So far all I can gather is she’s very upset with the Catholic Church and likes fire. Or maybe, as usual, there’s a subtle message I’m not picking up. I’m always the last to understand anything subtle. Or perhaps, this is just Madonna-GaGa rip-off-shock-garbage. Either way, I was not bored. I’ll give her that. Though, I would not want to be the intern answering the emails this morning regarding that “song.” I need more wine after that, but the kitchen is too far away.

Taylor Swift is in full Hee Haw mode with banjo and washboards. The lyrics were, “I’ll be winning Grammy’s and you’ll still be mean.” Can’t argue with simplicity. Well said. For those who never saw Hee Haw it was a TV show that looked exactly like her performance except every now and then a board would randomly smack someone in the ass. Ok, I’m getting up for more wine.

I’m also texting my best Mexican comedian friend Cristela Alonzo.

Me: So far, no Mexicans. This is bullshit. Write a terse email.
Cristela: We have our own award shows.
Me: Well you should try and be the first cross over. Mexican rapper lady
Cristela: I’m too busy failing at one career.

Paul McCartney. My Dad still can’t understand why Paul is married to a woman with one leg. Well he’s not anymore Dad, and I still can’t answer that question. Paul’s Valentine’s Day song made me wanna kill myself. That’s not what Valentine’s Day is for.

Oh, we are going outside to the dance-electronic tent. I don’t really know what electronic means and I hate electronics, but I’ll stay open minded. It’s cold outside tonight in LA so I hope these people brought warm clothes or have done drugs and don’t realize it’s cold. Lots of glow sticks. I’ve never done ecstasy, but I think it would probably help me understand what’s really happening. Foo Fighters. Hmm. Angry music from people just about my age. I don’t understand that, but maybe all my angst flew out the window when I was able to afford a giant tv and got permanent “Gold” status on American Airlines. But wait, WTF is that DJ with the Giant Light Up Mouse Head? I am definitely not familiar with his work but so far, I love it. I’m also texting at this point with my friend Lewis Black.

Lew: I’m freaked out by the mouse.
Me: Don’t be. I love the mouse. Don’t disrespect the mouse.
Lew: It isn’t music
Me: Hardly anything on this show is but I want the mouse at my birthday party. You always say you don’t know what to get me, well, now you do.

Back inside. Oh, god. It’s the Beach Boys, but Maroon 5 is with them.

Lew: you have the beach boys and you have other people sing them???
Me: lew I think at least one, if not more of the beach boys are brain damaged. Seriously. I read that somewhere or maybe I just decided that.
Lew: So what. The other groups sang like they were brain damaged.
Me: Nicki Minaj’s performance may have caused me brain damage.

Fun night. I’m now going to put on Florence and the Machine, who were nominated for nothing which I think is bullshit, and I may download Rhinestone Cowboy and send a copy to my 30-something brother who texted “who’s Glen Campbell?” and also confessed he secretly also loves Adele and sings her songs quite loudly in his car. I hope with the windows rolled up. He’s an awesome golfer but him singing “Someone Like Me” could probably kill bears hibernating in Canada.

We want to spread our excitement to Kathleen’s fans by offering a special pre-sale and prize giveaway for this show.

PRE-SALE TICKETING INFO

Tickets for the following show….

• October 13, 2012 | Peabody Opera House | St Louis, MO

..will go on sale Tuesday, February 14th @10AM local thru Thursday, February 16th @4pm local or until the allotment is sold, whichever comes first.

Kathleen Madigan pre-sale tickets

You will need to set up a free account to buy tickets!

PRIZES FOR SELECTED PRE-SALE PURCHASERS

1st prize – 5 purchasers will have their tickets upgraded to front row.

2nd prize – 10 purchasers will receive a merch package and autographed pic of Kathleen.

Winners will be notified by email on Friday, Feb 17th. Employees, family and spouses of Musictoday, Ticketmaster or The Peabody Opera House are not eligible to win.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 9TH
The Stephanie Miller Show
Syndicated
6:00 – 9:00 AM PT
Listen Live via affiliate streams