Author Archives: Webmistress

If anyone is tempted to take my blogs seriously, please keep in mind I’m typing this on Microsoft Word 2003. I’m really not a person to be taken seriously.

I was going to write about politics, but I had so much fun watching the Grammy awards I thought I’d share a few thoughts. I love Adele. I love Jennifer Hudson. I like Katy Perry. I love Mumford and Sons. That being said, let’s go through some things that ran through my mind.

Radiohead was nominated and every time I hear them I think, “Oh. This must be drug music.” I then realize I’ve officially turned into my father. I’m a 70 year-old white guy in a recliner who doesn’t understand much after Iwo Jima. Then I decided not to be so judgmental. That lasted until Chris Brown came out to thunderous applause. He beat the living shit out of a woman and threw her out of a car. A woman, Rihanna, who is RIGHT THERE. A woman, who by the way, my Dad thinks is Beyonce and doesn’t understand why she won’t sing louder. I explained that she’s actually Rihanna. He then asked if that was a Stevie Nicks song. Wow, close Dad! Points for close. No, Rhiannon is a Stevie Nicks song but let’s just move on. Maybe there’s a guy backstage who killed a woman, but who can dance well and we can clap for. Who knows?

And there’s Lady Gaga. I’ve seen Lady GaGa in concert and it is exactly what you’d think—shocking. Fun and energetic, but no staying power. She’s sitting there with a rhinestone fishnet over her face, holding a scepter and winning nothing. Meanwhile, Adele, in a normal dress, is winning everything. GaGa is an extension of Madonna, who is not a great singer but shocks everyone and performs well. But shock fades. After awhile the only thing left shocking to do would be to not be shocking. But it’s way too late for that. You’ve stuck yourself in the “gotta be shocking” category and have to live with it. The result? Madonna’s halftime show. Nothing shocking except that she can still do it at her age.

Here comes Niki Minaj. I don’t know what she does, but remaining open minded. Uh-oh. This is weird. And getting much weirder. I hope the Vatican doesn’t have cable. As a performer, all I can think is, wow, this number costs a shitload of money. The lights, the set, the dancers, etc…all this for this song? So far all I can gather is she’s very upset with the Catholic Church and likes fire. Or maybe, as usual, there’s a subtle message I’m not picking up. I’m always the last to understand anything subtle. Or perhaps, this is just Madonna-GaGa rip-off-shock-garbage. Either way, I was not bored. I’ll give her that. Though, I would not want to be the intern answering the emails this morning regarding that “song.” I need more wine after that, but the kitchen is too far away.

Taylor Swift is in full Hee Haw mode with banjo and washboards. The lyrics were, “I’ll be winning Grammy’s and you’ll still be mean.” Can’t argue with simplicity. Well said. For those who never saw Hee Haw it was a TV show that looked exactly like her performance except every now and then a board would randomly smack someone in the ass. Ok, I’m getting up for more wine.

I’m also texting my best Mexican comedian friend Cristela Alonzo.

Me: So far, no Mexicans. This is bullshit. Write a terse email.
Cristela: We have our own award shows.
Me: Well you should try and be the first cross over. Mexican rapper lady
Cristela: I’m too busy failing at one career.

Paul McCartney. My Dad still can’t understand why Paul is married to a woman with one leg. Well he’s not anymore Dad, and I still can’t answer that question. Paul’s Valentine’s Day song made me wanna kill myself. That’s not what Valentine’s Day is for.

Oh, we are going outside to the dance-electronic tent. I don’t really know what electronic means and I hate electronics, but I’ll stay open minded. It’s cold outside tonight in LA so I hope these people brought warm clothes or have done drugs and don’t realize it’s cold. Lots of glow sticks. I’ve never done ecstasy, but I think it would probably help me understand what’s really happening. Foo Fighters. Hmm. Angry music from people just about my age. I don’t understand that, but maybe all my angst flew out the window when I was able to afford a giant tv and got permanent “Gold” status on American Airlines. But wait, WTF is that DJ with the Giant Light Up Mouse Head? I am definitely not familiar with his work but so far, I love it. I’m also texting at this point with my friend Lewis Black.

Lew: I’m freaked out by the mouse.
Me: Don’t be. I love the mouse. Don’t disrespect the mouse.
Lew: It isn’t music
Me: Hardly anything on this show is but I want the mouse at my birthday party. You always say you don’t know what to get me, well, now you do.

Back inside. Oh, god. It’s the Beach Boys, but Maroon 5 is with them.

Lew: you have the beach boys and you have other people sing them???
Me: lew I think at least one, if not more of the beach boys are brain damaged. Seriously. I read that somewhere or maybe I just decided that.
Lew: So what. The other groups sang like they were brain damaged.
Me: Nicki Minaj’s performance may have caused me brain damage.

Fun night. I’m now going to put on Florence and the Machine, who were nominated for nothing which I think is bullshit, and I may download Rhinestone Cowboy and send a copy to my 30-something brother who texted “who’s Glen Campbell?” and also confessed he secretly also loves Adele and sings her songs quite loudly in his car. I hope with the windows rolled up. He’s an awesome golfer but him singing “Someone Like Me” could probably kill bears hibernating in Canada.