By Jeryl Brunner
February 13, 2015
It’s Valentine’s Day and you don’t have a Valentine.“I know, it’s just another reminder that you are home alone watching House Hunters with your cat,” says comedian Kathleen Madigan who has appeared on Leno, Letterman, Ferguson, O’Brien, the View, and a slew of other TV shows. But seriously, take a breath. Don’t panic, advises Madigan. The single gal and House Hunters fan shares how to ride out the day while having a couple of kicks in the process.
“I’ve been single all these years on Valentine’s Day. It doesn’t particularly bother me cause comedians on the road don’t really know what day it is. All I know is on holidays I make a lot of extra money. But I used to tell my sister, ‘just ignore the fact that it’s Valentine’s Day. Wake up and pretend it’s St. Patrick’s Day. Get some green food coloring and pour it in your beer, into your coffee, into everything. In your mind it’s going to be St. Patrick’s Day all day long. And if you start drinking green beer early enough, by 4pm you won’t care that day it is.’”
“Focus on the great parts about being single. Take a picture of yourself in bed wearing your pajamas with all the covers to yourself, all the pillows and extra money. Because that’s what married couples don’t have. They don’t get the bed to themselves anymore. They usually don’t have extra cash because they’re spending it on kids. The joy of being single is that you don’t have to think about anybody else. Guess what I’m going to have for dinner tonight? Who cares! I’m going to do what I want!”
“Listen to the most depressing song about love, which is the greatest song ever written — – George Jones’ country song “He Stopped Loving Her Today.” And then decide if you really want to get into a relationship.
“This is really dark but I like it. If you’re really depressed that it’s Valentine’s Day and you’re single, rent a movie that’s a love story where one of them dies at the end. You get to think, that is person single but they had to go through all crap to get back to where I already am. And I’VE never been sad like that. You’ll feel so much better about yourself.”
“Valentine’s night can also be the greatest night in the world ever to go to your favorite sports bar and have it all to yourself. Because there’s no way a guy is going to invite the woman he’s with for a romantic dinner at a sports bar. I really like sports bars. Some women like them. But that’s not what you picture on Valentine’s Day. Most people are going to fancy restaurants so the rest of the places are empty. Boom! That’s why it’s a great night.”
“Because there’s so many of us, my parents hope nobody else gets married and has kids because that means more babysitting for them. But if your parents are on really on you, put it on them. Say, ‘you’re right. It’s a horrible existence and I am so sad. So what are you going to do about it to make me happy today? It would be great if you could send an extra present. Or maybe drop a bucket of beer on the front porch or send over a pizza, that’d be nice.’ Throw it right back at them.”
“People focus on, oh my God, I’m single, that’s so depressing. Not really. If you really want to know depressing, call one of your unhappily married friends and ask them how it’s going.”
“Cry if you have to, but then it has to lead into laughing at some point. Really, Hallmark made up this holiday. Why are we going to let a card company from Kansas City make us feel terrible?”