Author Archives: Kathleen

Me, The Weather Channel and Direct-TV

It takes a lot to make me angry. Case in point…

I had Time-Warner cable forever. I kept it because I was too lazy and traumatized by them to deal with changing it. I didn’t love it, but I didn’t hate it. They rarely answered the phone, were usually rude, but so is everyone, so I folded. Then, late this summer, they got in a fight with CBS and SHOWTIME. The first week I thought, “Oh, well this sucks. How am I supposed to watch Dexter?” I love Dexter and was hoping he’d start killing people on other TV shows. OK, I’ll watch it on my iPad. Oh, no, I won’t because they shut iPad access down. I have no idea how they got in my house and did that to my iPad, but in my mind, they did. If that stuff can be done by remote buttons, I’m super scared and would prefer to think a person entered my house and did it manually even though technically that is a burglar.

The fight went on for weeks. I remained calm, thinking they would work it out. Like a child whose parents are fighting I stayed out of the fray, hoped for a nice chicken pot pie dinner where all went back to normal and we all acted like nothing happened. They finally resolved the fight after several more weeks and then I got angry. I thought, “That was just uncalled for. If they did it once, they can do it again.” As always, I’m never the quickest to react, but finally I did. I called Direct TV. My friends that have it love it and I also wanted all the football games. What could go wrong here? Well, nothing, so it seemed. They came over, installed the thing on the roof and presto, I had all my dream channels. I read what channels were available aside from the basics and high priced movie channels and saw my two favorite channels—Discovery ID (lots of murder) and The Weather Channel were listed. Perfect. Life will be perfect now because with weather and murders, I’m never unhappy.

A couple weeks ago, I turned on the Weather Channel because I was flying to the east coast and wanted to see what I was flying into. The screen was black and it said, “The Weather Channel is no longer available. Please tune into Weather Nation.” OMG. Did my TV weather pals get attacked and I didn’t read about it? What about Jim Cantore? Surely that would have been on Twitter. What does this mean, “no longer available?” Are they hurt? Did they all quit? I called my friend with cable. No, my TV weather pals were alive and fine and the Weather Channel is most definitely available. He still had it. Direct TV couldn’t come to an agreement with them. I don’t care what the problem is because there’s nothing I can do about it so I don’t want to hear whose fault it is. I mean, unless it’s like a matter of a $500 difference, then I’d be glad to chip in. And no, I won’t blame The Weather Channel because I didn’t make an agreement with them. I made it with Direct TV.

I tweeted that I was outraged. Ok, that’s a bit of an overstatement for humor’s sake, but I really was pissed. I LOVE THE WEATHER CHANNEL. If I understood any science AT ALL, I’d have been a behind the camera, weird, weather nerd lady. Nothing fascinates me more than an incoming hurricane or anything to do tornadic activity. Yeah, I just threw that out there. Awesome word, tornadic. But alas, not all dreams can come true and we should stop telling children they do. I’d also like to be an FBI profiler but that too involves science so again, dream crushed, move on. I’ll have to live vicariously through others. I’m ok with that. I had a lot of people tweet me back in agreement with loving The Weather Channel and a lot making fun of my love of The Weather Channel.

I am exhausted from explaining to people why I love The Weather Channel. I just do. I love that Jim Cantore will stand in the middle of a hurricane. That’s actual ‘reality TV’ and probably the only real ‘reality TV.’ He doesn’t have hair or makeup. No script. No wardrobe because he’s usually in a poncho. It’s just live and whatever happens, happens. Maybe he’ll get smacked by a flying refrigerator, maybe he won’t. Here’s a great sample of what you are missing if you think this is all lame.

Jesus. He’s more of a superhero than I thought. Catlike reflexes, quickly addressed it and bam, move on. I’ll let that clip do the talking. I could ramble on about seeing reporters get hit with flying objects, that old guy who reads the maps and never leaves his desk, the waves that have swallowed reporters whole and so on but I think that clip says enough.

So, I was at the Tonight Show doing a show and was bored backstage waiting, so I checked my Twitter feed. I was shocked the @theweatherchannel tweeted me back. I didn’t write my tweet in the hopes they would, I just felt that way. And it wasn’t just a programmed thank you tweet. It was really them. I really haven’t been that excited since I got an Irish setter puppy for Christmas in 5th grade. OMG. My TV friends are real. Holy crap. I was supposed to go on stage and somehow had to corral my excitement and answer them later. I’ve been on a million TV shows, met famous people and all that, but I usually don’t care either way and certainly don’t get like a 13-year-old who just got a tweet from One Direction.

I finished the show and again checked my feed. A bunch of the guys from the weather channel tweeted thanks for support AND did this:

What other channel ON earth would do that? So awesome. Proving my love of them and their channel to be on point and real. Then, @directtv tweeted me. Clearly a standard reply to everyone who complained. They said, “We understand it can be disappointing to lose your favorite channel. Why don’t you try @weathernation.”

I tweeted back, “No. Because I didn’t agree to @weathernation. Why don’t you try me paying you in candy? No, because you didn’t agree to that.” You can’t just change the agreement mid-deal. So, when the bill comes, I’m sending them candy corn. The exact amount of pieces the bill adds up to. They did not respond to that tweet because I’m sure no human tweeted their initial response. And, btw, I didn’t “lose” The Weather Channel. You, DirectTV, refused to pay them. I don’t care what it costs, that’s the deal you offered me.

For the record, I did try @weathernation. It’s great if you don’t have Lunesta. Boring maps, weird bad background music and no action. Perfect for a nap or when a nervous breakdown starts. And that’s why I’m sure it’s cheaper. You get what you pay for. Jim Cantore isn’t free. And he shouldn’t be. He has crazy people running at him while he’s trying to work. You try and work at your desk with that going on. Not easy. Last night, there was a huge ice storm in Atlanta. They mayor and governor are actually saying they didn’t get enough warning and didn’t realize how bad it would be. I’m assuming they also must have DirectTV. And they really have no excuse because The Weather Channel is based in ATLANTA. They could’ve walked over and asked them what was going to happen.

So, now I must decide who to switch to. Does anyone have strong feelings either way about DISHTV? It’s the only one I haven’t tried. I also will be going to Atlanta sometime this year to tour The Weather Channel. Maybe they’ll let me be an unpaid intern who lives there and then I won’t have to make any decisions except how to get food and beer money.

 

 

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Me and Newt

Newt Gingrich, Gap modelThis is a picture of me and Newt Gingrich posing as Gap Models (meaning sad, hungry people staring into the distance away from one another). I like to take these because they make me laugh. A few weeks ago I was a guest on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and so was Newt. His staff people, or whatever politicians call their posse, seemed nice so when I met Newt I asked him if he would take a silly picture with me. He said “Sure. Tell me what to do.” So I told him what to do. He didn’t really get the “sad” part down, but he tried and was a good sport and quite friendly. I liked him. I don’t usually agree with him and I’m aware of just about every public fact about his not so stellar private life, but I liked meeting him. And I wanted to take a nap on his belly. He was soft, warm and snuggly. It was like being hugged by a Republican Teddy Ruxpin. So, I posted this picture on Twitter. For a laugh. I am a comedian. I am not a philosopher, politician or anything else to be taken seriously. It says “comedian” right there on my Twitter profile. Well, after posting it, I was slammed with hate posts from people on the left. They couldn’t believe I would pose in a picture with him and call him a good sport. Well, I did and he was. I was shocked that anyone takes anything I do seriously because I certainly don’t and I’m the one in charge of me. Even writing that sentence hurt my head. Nonetheless, people did take it seriously and reacted with the usual awful amount of hate social media can drum up. I think anonymity empowers people in the worst ways but I really couldn’t believe it.

But, let’s back up for a second.

I know relatively nothing about ‘celebrities’ unless they are comedians I am actual friends with. I don’t watch E! or any of the shows where I would get information regarding these celebrity people. I’m just not interested. I preferred the old days where we knew little about celebrities and what we did know was probably made up. Oh, Liberace is in love with and married a lady? Good for him. I doubt it . Whatever. Who cares. But at least up until about ten years ago, in order to become a celebrity you had to do something. Anything. Sing. Dance. Eat Fire. Juggle babies. SOMETHING. Now, ‘celebrity’ is an actual job. Whatever that means. Snooki and the Kardashians. I don’t know what any of them do but I’m assuming nothing because I’ve yet to see them do anything so I’m not interested in knowing more about nothing. If you like that kinda stuff, well then I’m happy for you. Seriously, good you for. We all have our thing. I’m usually watching people being murdered on the ID Channel, super weirdos on NatGeo, sports or politics. So unless you’re murdering someone, hunting alligators in a swamp, hitting or catching a ball or debating politics, I probably don’t know or care who you are.

So, when I was heading over to NBC, a friend texted me and said that Newt was one of the other guests. I was really excited. I’ve watched him for 20 years in every televised debate that he’s ever been in. As I said, I don’t usually agree with his positions but I respect him. I never voted for him but I loved that he was in the game. He’s played the game well and hung tough. He’s smart, and I’d bet he’d be the first one to tell you that, but I also admire that kind of confidence. I don’t have it. He’s old school and I like old school. His debate performances were always lively and his look of complete exhaustion combined with eye rolling whenever Michele Bachmann spoke was spectacular. He looked at her like a gnat that flew into his dinner party. I respect his love of history. I’m a history geek and it’s nice to know there’s other geeks out there. I like that he clearly likes a steak and not the gym. I couldn’t agree more.

I don’t understand exactly when and or why the division between ideas has become so personal. I have been friends with Larry the Cable Guy for 20 years. He is right leaning. Not a crazy person, just conservative. I am left leaning. Not a crazy person, just less conservative. For Christmas, he has given me Rush Limbaugh books and I have given him JFK biographies. We can agree to disagree and agree on more than people would think. I really think if everyone on congress picked someone from the other side and took a Gap Model picture with them, it might be the start of actual conversations. If we can start with a laugh, maybe we can build from there. If we don’t start somewhere, we will arrive nowhere. And that last sentence is the deepest thing I’ve thought of in 15 years so I should stop writing while I’m ahead of where I thought I could be. I say cheers to Newt for not taking himself too seriously and cheers to the people who did understand that is was for fun and a stupid laugh which I believe is what I’m supposed to be in charge of.

 

 

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The Masters

For people who don’t golf, the Masters is a tournament played in Augusta, Georgia every April. It’s one of the four “major” tournaments and the only one always played at the same course. It is so revered that many times when the announcers speak, there’s soft guitar music being played in the background for a reason never explained. I think if that was done in real life, it would greatly reduce violence. It’s hard to get angry while falling asleep to soft guitar chords echoing in your ear.

There’s been a lot of arguing lately about their “no women allowed as members” policy. The last time I’d heard of such a thing was on the Little Rascals. But I’ve known about their policy for quite awhile because I like to watch and play golf. However, this policy did not stop me last week from running right in that gate as if my ass was on fire with a free practice round ticket and a credit card to buy shirts for everyone in my life that has been on good behavior. I even bought beach towels. Yes, they have Masters beach towels. Pink was sold out so I bought green. So, I can’t really speak of taking the high road or being morally sound because I’m clearly a souvenir/ free ticket whore. But I can speak on what I just don’t understand.

One guy online actually wrote this regarding the “no women allowed as members” policy:

CURVES is all women and you don’t see men throwing a fit.

Ok, first of all sir, how do you know that? Weird, sir. Weird. Secondly, are you really going to compare CURVES to the Masters? CURVES, for those of you who don’t know, is an exercise facility usually found in strip malls and it’s for women and usually women my mom’s age who don’t want to be seen in shorts EVER again if they can help it. They’ve also been hiding their weight for 70 years from everyone, including themselves, and would like to continue to do so. There are no souvenirs, no televised event, definitely no snacks and no corporate sponsors. Reading that online comment is why I have to tell myself to stop reading “comments” online. The level of arguing is even below my level and my level is not that high. My level usually concludes with, “Yeah, well, whatever, fuckface.” Not very adult, but at least I’m not reaching for ridiculous comparisons.

People argue, “Well it’s a private club. They can be as sexist and racist as they want.” This was true for many years, but as the Masters grew in popularity, more people became shocked and outraged about the fact they also didn’t let African American men become members AND, here’s the big AND, shocked and outraged that major corporations were sponsoring it. They finally let African American men become members in 1990. Yes, 1990. Very few became outraged that they still won’t let women become members. I didn’t. And that’s why I’m lame. I didn’t because I’ve never want to be a member of somewhere I’m not wanted. I’m not a fighter. I’m a walk away-er. I’m not saying this is a good thing. It’s why I would have been a terrible women’s right’s lady. “Well if they don’t want us to vote, then whatever. I’ll be at the bar. Let them pick whatever jackass they want. I’m too tired to fight these morons. I was going to have a glass of wine but while you’ve all been arguing about voting, I just made up a new cocktail in my head.” That’s usually my attitude. Thank god other women have more zip and care more than me. If I were in charge, we’d still all be sitting around in those weird dresses sipping tea, playing Chinese checkers and adjusting our uncomfortable hats.

But I really don’t want to go where I’m not wanted. I was just told recently (2 months ago) by a major television network I couldn’t play in a televised golf tournament because there are no women playing right now. They PUT THAT IN WRITING AND HIT SEND. What does that even mean? Well clearly there are none playing because you said so. I had already been invited by someone associated with it and then uninvited by a network. I didn’t ask to be in it to begin with. That’s what makes it extra bizarre. I’m sitting here minding my own business and all this went on in emails. They’re lucky they sent that answer back to a lazy women who just went, “Well that blows. Assholes. I’m never watching that channel again. Unless they move DEXTER to that channel and then I’ll have to revert to my whorish behavior.” My friends said, “Well you should fight that.” I just don’t have the energy and then if I win the fight, I get there and I’m “that lady.” No thanks. I’ll go play with my normal guy friends who like women and value my straight drives in a scramble.

I just don’t understand why men wouldn’t want women around. I don’t know men like that. Or maybe I do but they just don’t tell me which is fine because then I don’t know. What exactly is the perk of no women? Are strippers being brought in? Hookers? What is the secret? I seriously don’t understand. Sometimes we hear them say “it’s tradition.” Ok, we know that. But again, why? Traditions usually mean a comfortable fun repetitive thing. Are these guys not comfortable around women? WTF is going on in there that no black people or women should see? I don’t care if you have strippers or hookers. I mean, unless I’m your wife. That would be weird and probably a cause for a talk but otherwise, whatever. I’ve seen tons of hookers at the video poker bars in Las Vegas and regardless of what they’re up to, they always add a little extra pizzazz to a bar and always have an interesting background if you just ask them. Here’s what I know for sure, hookers are NEVER boring conversationalists.

For non golf fans, the topic is extra on fire because normally the Masters top secret membership group allows the CEO of IBM–one of its major sponsors–to become an honorary member. Well, whamo, this year IBM hired a woman. Now what? I think they’ll let her in but not until no one is paying attention and then there will be some weird small press release saying they did. They can save face and act like it wasn’t “at the point of a bayonet.” That is the phrase the last president of Augusta used regarding when they would let women become members. A bayonet? Wow. Who still has Civil War weaponry references in their day to day vocabulary? Oh, right, they do. And if I was this female CEO of IBM and they let me in, I’d run my ass right down there and play. Well, in my mind I would, but if they told me I couldn’t take a cart, I’d probably just play #16 because it’s the nicest hole. Then, I’d go to the bar and get stared at for an uncomfortable amount of time and then, of course, hit the souvenir shop on my out.

P.S…my favorite golfer is Miguel Jiminez…he drinks, smokes, has an extra 5 lbs of belly and laughs. He is nice to the fans. Clearly, he knows golf isn’t everything. Having fun is supposed to be part of all of it too. He’s also only two years older than me but looks ten years older which makes me feel good about myself.

 

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Republican Roundup

Happy Thanksgiving!

Please read no further if you have no sense of humor.

I’m exasperated with the amount of people who take me seriously on here and twitter. Christ, I don’t hide under a false pretense. It says everywhere, “Comedian. Jackass. Barely paid attention in college. Slept through grade school. Is barely awake now.” So, fun people, read on. Everyone else, ahhhh, move on to serious people with serious thoughts. I’d recommend George Will. He’s very serious. And seemingly smart. So, see, I’ll even guide you to your true leaders.

Now with that out of the way, I’m sorry I’ve been absent here. I’ve been doing theater gigs, The Tonight Show and on the Lewis Black Comedy Cruise which I’m convinced was captained by a raging Swedish alcoholic. Those were not “small waves” sir, but ok, I’ll have another Monkey Ass Rum Punch and act like nothing is happening and hope the Dramamine kicks in and the rum stays down before I move onto beer.

The Republican Debate was this week and even though I tweeted, thought I’d sum it up for those of you who don’t have the time or inclination for Twitter.

Newt–AKA Leroy McPherson (WHYYYY he doesn’t go by his REAL name is beyond me. WHO THE FUCK doesn’t wanna hang out with Leroy McPherson??? God knows I do.) dug a hole in the debate this week by presenting an immigration plan which involves how long you’ve been here, if you go to church and ahhhhh, something else. Whatever it was, the Republicans don’t like it AT ALL and he’s being nailed today. He’s confident and as he gains in the polls, he’s gaining pounds. I think he may have eaten Chris Christy. Someone check New Jersey. Newt always comes off as the smartest, save for Ron Paul who is in the “alien” category. He uses words to bitch slap other people like, “well Mitt is FUNDAMENTALLY wrong.” So, in other words, Mitt is such a fundamental, colossal moron, I’m just going to move on. Then he quotes something from the 1800′s which no one knows for sure if it’s true, but it sounds right. It’s a good strategy and it works. I think Newt will weather this recent storm as all the other storms and my money is on him, minus any late entries, on being the nominee.

Mitt—Oh, Mitt. He threw an Al Gore fit when Ron Paul bitch slapped him regarding his comment about foreign aid. Ron saying, “Ahhh, Mr. Romney, we don’t even have money right now.” SMACK! Ron, as usual, was laying out the actual truth that no one–democrats or republicans–wants to hear, and Mitt basically stomped his feet and behaved like a teenage girl who was just told she can’t go out. It’s been five years and no one likes Mitt and no one knows why. I feel sorry for the guy. I’m sure he wakes up and thinks, “I like me. My wife likes me. What is the problem?” Well, we don’t know, Mitt. It’s just a people thing and we innately feel you’re not a real person. He’s in favor of sending all illegals back. Even if one agrees with this, HOW? In LA, we have so few cops, if you have a car accident, they won’t even come unless someone is hurt. So who is going to do this? Then I thought, well, my parents are retired and like driving places and getting cheap medicine, maybe we could have retired people drive illegal aliens back to wherever and get their Lipitor for $4.00.

Cain—Cain gives the answer I love to give when I don’t know the answer, which is most of the time. “Oh, well, if I were in that situation, I’d ask some people that know more than me, which would be everybody.” He clearly knows nothing about foreign policy but some people are ok with that. He didn’t have any snappy phrases or funny lines, which is his strong suit, so bad night for Herman. He’ll get speaking gigs when this is over but I’d say that’s the best he can hope for.

Bachman–People say it’s unfair to criticize her looks because she’s a woman. No. I criticize chubby Newt for eating all of Herman’s pizza so looks are fair game.

Her hair was perfect. Good job, Marcus. The makeup room must have had dim lighting, though, because the makeup was a tad off the rails. Every time they say she’s on our “intelligence committee” I think about the other people on that committee that have to listen to her talk and wonder how they resist shoving their heads into the pitcher of water in the middle of the table. She held her own…if you can follow her. I get lost. She starts out with a normal sentence and then it’s just goes bananas. Newt looked like he wanted to punch her in the face and tried to hide it by turning away, but was then forced to look at Mitt’s weird smile. Tough choice. Stare at Huntsman. He’s normal.

Huntsman–Once again, I don’t know why he just doesn’t answer every question in fluent Chinese and act like that’s normal. I would. At least I’d be the talk of the debate and no one could refute what I said. Suck it, Santorum. You’ve no clue that I just said you look like a chubster from the side camera angle. Huntsman is always normal and rational. I don’t understand why the Republicans don’t like him. He’s also selling beer koozies (check my next blog for this breakdown) on his website for $7.50 that are tasteful and pretty which makes me love him even more. And yes I know he’s a Mormon, but we all know koozies are for beer. Let’s not act like we like soda enough to invest $7.50. He had his best debate which means he’ll move from 3 percent to 4 percent.

Santorum—Rick is what happens when Catholics take their religion seriously. Most of us don’t. We leave that up to priests and nuns. We get the gist of it and try to be nice people who enjoy a fish fry and a drink. He couldn’t even win re-election in his own state so I’m not sure why he’s gunning for the top butttttt maybe he’s not. He may be running for #2. If so, he did fine. Actually did well for him. His weird, “why are you talking to me?” look was not there which seems to be his biggest problem.

Rick Perry—HOW DID TEXAS DO THIS 3 TIMES??? WHAT IS THE REST OF AMERICA MISSING IN THIS DUDE? WOW. I love Austin. I love Houston (my favorite bar EVER was in Houston…The Aquarium Lounge..that’s just a shout out to true alcoholics) I’ve gotten pleasantly hammered in Dallas at least 20 times but dear god. Maybe he reallllllly knows Texas well and that’s his expertise but he and Cain couldn’t put a puzzle map of the U.S together if they were given a 6 state start much less talk about foreign policy. There’s verrrrrry few moments in a debate where I think, “Oh my god. I’m smarter than that person.” It’s an awful thought that I don’t ever wanna have but 5 out of 10 times when Perry speaks, that’s what runs through my tiny mind. If Texas really ever does become it’s own country, maybe he could be the president of that. He’s to the point that when he speaks, no one else even addresses what he says. He did, at least, not forget what he was talking about in mid sentence which is something I do at least six times a day and felt bad for the guy during that debacle.

Ron Paul—First of all, his suit fit! Whaaaa? He didn’t have that weird collar gag he usually has. Points for style, Ron. Points. As I say in my act, he’s your crazy grandpa at Thanksgiving shouting shit out. We alllll know he’s right but you just can’t do that. We don’t know why. We know you just can’t. We’d have to start from scratch and no one knows how to do that and you, Ron, are too small and strange to convince us to follow you. There’s things I completely disagree with him on but there are some things that he says in front of an all conservative audience that take the balls of Attila the Hun. I don’t know what he’s aiming for because he clearly won’t be the nominee, but, maybe, he actually just believes in what he’s saying. That would be weird huh? He hates the patriot act for limiting our freedom. Me too Ron. I’m tired of taking off my shoes at the airport because ONE NUTBAG, ONE in 400 MILLION, put fireworks in his shoe. That’s living in fear. I’m a gambler. I say shoes on, let’s take our chances. His foreign policy is basically, we don’t need to be anywhere but here and everyone else’s problems are their own. Hard to argue looking at the trillion spent in Iraq and Afghanistan and after being in both places twice, I’m with Ron. Would have been better to fix pot holes here. As a start. We could do more than fix potholes with a trillion. We could probably even build my fantasy bullet train from Vegas to Everywhere. Ron won’t prevail but at least someone is standing there saying, “quite frankly, this whole discussion is bullshit because nothing anyone’s talking about is real.” The problem is, we’ve all been taught that it is real. We know it’s kind of not and we know Ron is kinda right but it’s too scary to just dynamite the house when we don’t even know if there’s an apartment for rent.

So, with that said, I’m off to Las Vegas for Thanksgiving. I will be thankful the Lions are actually reasonably good this year and may actually provide a game for us to watch, thankful that video poker was invented, thankful that after working in Vegas for 23 years I keep getting paid a little more and treated a little better, thankful that Harrah’s never changes it’s floor plan and I know exactly where my good machines are, thankful that people can still smoke and drink and be complete degenerates and it’s encouraged and thankful that I will be flying on a day when hopefully no one else feels normal doing that. I have 6 siblings so no one will notice till around 9 pm that I’m not there which is spectacular. I’ll be there for Christmas which is really my favorite holiday anyway. The only way Thanksgiving could be better is if I was eating Thanksgiving dinner at an Indian Casino Buffet. That would be the twitter picture of the decade. Ohhhhh, the irony. Everything comes around in a big circle if you wait long enough. Maybe next year. The Potawatomi tribe loves me. So do the Mohegans. I know more about Indians from casinos than I ever learned in school. Education through gambling and jokes. IIIIII like it.

Over and Out. Happy Thanksgiving.

 

 

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2012 Presidential Candidates

The Presidential Race is already starting again. It’s way too early, but so far I’m voting ‘no’ for everyone.

2012 Presidential Candidates:

 

Michelle Bachmann

No. Mainly because there are audio tapes of her saying we are in “the last days” and the rapture is soon upon us. I don’t want a president who thinks it’s last call. I know how I behave at last call and it’s reckless, argumentative and ridiculous. She’s also called herself a doctor when she didn’t have any degrees that would make her an actual doctor of anything. I thought only comedians did that when you get to check the box on an airline website for your “title.” We only do it to make ourselves laugh. “Welcome to American Airlines Dr. Madigan.” Then I laugh quietly inside my head. I’m not actually psycho enough to make that claim in public. She also doesn’t know when Elvis died. That’s the last straw for me.

 

Ron Paul

No. Ron wants a revolution, and frankly who doesn’t like a good revolution, but he’s too thin. In order for me to follow someone down a road of complete destruction and reconstruction, they would have to weigh more than my Mom for me to feel secure. If he gained 30 pounds, I’d reconsider. And his son appears to be a bit psycho so whatever you said at the supper table didn’t come across quite right to Junior.

 

Newt Gingrich

No. Probably the most intelligent and well informed guy out there, but I’ve let go of all of my day glow accessories, so I can’t go back to the 80′s. And if your election teams keep running from the office as if their asses are on fire, you must be a dick. There are so few jobs, you must be a colossal asshole if your employees are running out screaming “I quit! I quit! I’d rather starve than see your fat ass one more day of my life.” I did, however, enjoy his bitch slapping of Chris Wallace during the last debate. Newt’s middle name is Leroy. I’d vote for him if he went by Leroy Gingrich. Just because we’ve never had a Leroy as president.

 

Mitt Romney

No. I don’t believe he an actual person. He and his family look like the pictures of the families already in the frames when you buy them…nice, well groomed, but not real. He claims he’s never had a drink, smoke or drug in his life. Well, now you’ve made me think you’re sleeping with a goat. Something has to be going on to relieve stress and if it’s not one of the three above, it only gets weirder from there. The only person more boring is John Kerry. If they ran against each other, I believe it would be a zero-zero tie.

 

Barack Obama

No. He keeps telling us he needs our help. Well, as it turns out, we’re busy. We expected you to do this shit. And 9 out of 10 of us don’t know who our Congressmen, Reps or Senators are, so stop telling us to email them. Email us who they are with a link and a box to check and mayyyybbe we’ll do that.

 

Rick Perry

No. I’ve had a lot of fun in Texas over the years and met some fun people but I can’t handle another four years of someone saying, “this is how we do it in Texas…” We knowwww how you’d do it in Texas…George told us that shit for years. And he doesn’t believe in global warming. I don’t understand science but there are YouTube videos of polar bears sweating their asses of on icebergs drinking Coronas in the north pole. Something is fucked up, Rick. Maybe it doesn’t even matter if it is fucked up, but at least admit something is happening. I’m tripping over armadillos on my Missouri farm. ARMADILLOS in Missouri. When I was a kid, those only lived in Texas and Mexico. We only saw them in movies. Not normal. Again, I have no facts to back me up, just armadillos having Rave parties on my property.

 

Jon Huntsman

No one knows enough about this guy. That’s weird when you’re running for office. You know, to remain obscure and elusive. He didn’t say much at the debate. Just kinda stood there. Maybe that’s what we need. A president no one knows anything about. He looks like a president. He has a normal name. He hasn’t said anything too fucked up. That may be the most we can hope for at this point. Gene Simmons likes him and I like Gene Simmons and since I’m lazy and Gene’s not, I’ll at least consider not making a judgement on the mystery man just yet.

 

Ok, I’m off to shoot another armadillo. Before I shoot, I count to 10 in Spanish. Since they’re originally from Mexico I like to give them a fair chance to run and a fair warning in their native tongue.

 

 

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