The Masters

For people who don’t golf, the Masters is a tournament played in Augusta, Georgia every April. It’s one of the four “major” tournaments and the only one always played at the same course. It is so revered that many times when the announcers speak, there’s soft guitar music being played in the background for a reason never explained. I think if that was done in real life, it would greatly reduce violence. It’s hard to get angry while falling asleep to soft guitar chords echoing in your ear.

There’s been a lot of arguing lately about their “no women allowed as members” policy. The last time I’d heard of such a thing was on the Little Rascals. But I’ve known about their policy for quite awhile because I like to watch and play golf. However, this policy did not stop me last week from running right in that gate as if my ass was on fire with a free practice round ticket and a credit card to buy shirts for everyone in my life that has been on good behavior. I even bought beach towels. Yes, they have Masters beach towels. Pink was sold out so I bought green. So, I can’t really speak of taking the high road or being morally sound because I’m clearly a souvenir/ free ticket whore. But I can speak on what I just don’t understand.

One guy online actually wrote this regarding the “no women allowed as members” policy:

CURVES is all women and you don’t see men throwing a fit.

Ok, first of all sir, how do you know that? Weird, sir. Weird. Secondly, are you really going to compare CURVES to the Masters? CURVES, for those of you who don’t know, is an exercise facility usually found in strip malls and it’s for women and usually women my mom’s age who don’t want to be seen in shorts EVER again if they can help it. They’ve also been hiding their weight for 70 years from everyone, including themselves, and would like to continue to do so. There are no souvenirs, no televised event, definitely no snacks and no corporate sponsors. Reading that online comment is why I have to tell myself to stop reading “comments” online. The level of arguing is even below my level and my level is not that high. My level usually concludes with, “Yeah, well, whatever, fuckface.” Not very adult, but at least I’m not reaching for ridiculous comparisons.

People argue, “Well it’s a private club. They can be as sexist and racist as they want.” This was true for many years, but as the Masters grew in popularity, more people became shocked and outraged about the fact they also didn’t let African American men become members AND, here’s the big AND, shocked and outraged that major corporations were sponsoring it. They finally let African American men become members in 1990. Yes, 1990. Very few became outraged that they still won’t let women become members. I didn’t. And that’s why I’m lame. I didn’t because I’ve never want to be a member of somewhere I’m not wanted. I’m not a fighter. I’m a walk away-er. I’m not saying this is a good thing. It’s why I would have been a terrible women’s right’s lady. “Well if they don’t want us to vote, then whatever. I’ll be at the bar. Let them pick whatever jackass they want. I’m too tired to fight these morons. I was going to have a glass of wine but while you’ve all been arguing about voting, I just made up a new cocktail in my head.” That’s usually my attitude. Thank god other women have more zip and care more than me. If I were in charge, we’d still all be sitting around in those weird dresses sipping tea, playing Chinese checkers and adjusting our uncomfortable hats.

But I really don’t want to go where I’m not wanted. I was just told recently (2 months ago) by a major television network I couldn’t play in a televised golf tournament because there are no women playing right now. They PUT THAT IN WRITING AND HIT SEND. What does that even mean? Well clearly there are none playing because you said so. I had already been invited by someone associated with it and then uninvited by a network. I didn’t ask to be in it to begin with. That’s what makes it extra bizarre. I’m sitting here minding my own business and all this went on in emails. They’re lucky they sent that answer back to a lazy women who just went, “Well that blows. Assholes. I’m never watching that channel again. Unless they move DEXTER to that channel and then I’ll have to revert to my whorish behavior.” My friends said, “Well you should fight that.” I just don’t have the energy and then if I win the fight, I get there and I’m “that lady.” No thanks. I’ll go play with my normal guy friends who like women and value my straight drives in a scramble.

I just don’t understand why men wouldn’t want women around. I don’t know men like that. Or maybe I do but they just don’t tell me which is fine because then I don’t know. What exactly is the perk of no women? Are strippers being brought in? Hookers? What is the secret? I seriously don’t understand. Sometimes we hear them say “it’s tradition.” Ok, we know that. But again, why? Traditions usually mean a comfortable fun repetitive thing. Are these guys not comfortable around women? WTF is going on in there that no black people or women should see? I don’t care if you have strippers or hookers. I mean, unless I’m your wife. That would be weird and probably a cause for a talk but otherwise, whatever. I’ve seen tons of hookers at the video poker bars in Las Vegas and regardless of what they’re up to, they always add a little extra pizzazz to a bar and always have an interesting background if you just ask them. Here’s what I know for sure, hookers are NEVER boring conversationalists.

For non golf fans, the topic is extra on fire because normally the Masters top secret membership group allows the CEO of IBM–one of its major sponsors–to become an honorary member. Well, whamo, this year IBM hired a woman. Now what? I think they’ll let her in but not until no one is paying attention and then there will be some weird small press release saying they did. They can save face and act like it wasn’t “at the point of a bayonet.” That is the phrase the last president of Augusta used regarding when they would let women become members. A bayonet? Wow. Who still has Civil War weaponry references in their day to day vocabulary? Oh, right, they do. And if I was this female CEO of IBM and they let me in, I’d run my ass right down there and play. Well, in my mind I would, but if they told me I couldn’t take a cart, I’d probably just play #16 because it’s the nicest hole. Then, I’d go to the bar and get stared at for an uncomfortable amount of time and then, of course, hit the souvenir shop on my out.

P.S…my favorite golfer is Miguel Jiminez…he drinks, smokes, has an extra 5 lbs of belly and laughs. He is nice to the fans. Clearly, he knows golf isn’t everything. Having fun is supposed to be part of all of it too. He’s also only two years older than me but looks ten years older which makes me feel good about myself.


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52 Responses to The Masters

  1. Tara Delaney says:

    You rock, even though I detest everything about golf. Must admit, I was a bit disappointed you expressed an interest in this most British/Scottish of activities…when we all know the Irish are far more amusing and fun in THEIR activities. I can absolutely love you in spite of this “flaw”…

  2. KATHY MARINES says:

    Why do I find myself reading this in my Kathleen Madigan voice? Too funny. I fricking love you girl….Rock on

    • DG620 says:

      me too! I sent the mp3 file of her imitations of the ‘chairman and CEO of Augusta National Golf Club’

    • Estrogen Tsunami says:

      (OMG! I totally read these in a Madigan voice, too!) What I don’t understand is how any group can discriminate just because it calls itself “private.” WTF! I don’t think there’s an “wink, wink, nudge, nudge” asterisk to the 14th Amendment. I’m not anti-men, I’m anti-stupidity. You’re right, KM, they cannot possibly be doing or saying anything so interesting that it’s worth fighting to get in there. However, there shouldn’t be any restrictions for women who would want to be privy to their vanilla testosterone soup.

  3. Melissa says:

    If I was the female CEO of IBM, I’d stop giving them money. It’s the only statement that would mean anything. Although, then they’d just say I was PMSing and use it as an excuse to continue excluding women. Oh, then I’d build my own golf course.

  4. Cheryl Hatfield says:

    Love reading your stuff – A woman after my own heart

  5. Cindy says:

    I too read it using my Kathleen Madigan voice, which over the course of your career, I must say, I’ve perfected. I even half chuckled in all the places you most likely would. And, made those WTF faces you’re so good at. Oh yeah, I can do you. You rock.

  6. Robert says:

    You want women in the Augusta National country Club? Go rent the area directly across the street from the entrance and put up a billboard that reads “Hey, whats with all the gays across the street playing golf?” I guarantee, by the end of the week, they’ll have so many twats in that place you’ll think it’s a beaver lodge.

  7. LauraG says:

    Love the rant. Sometimes you just got to let it out. I do that too and think “do people really want to hear this shit?” but then I don’t really care, they can not read if it’s their choice.

    FYI got your ticket upgrade to front row in OCT in St. Louis. Cannot wait. Long time fan.

  8. Renee says:

    Most cogent, least hysterical (hysterical in a bad way anyway) thing I’ve read on this. Sharing.

  9. Sue says:

    Pasture pool, not into it but you go girl!

  10. Cindy Hopkins says:

    I also read this in my Kathleen Madigan voice. I’ve watched Gone Madigan so many times I’ve the voice pretty much nailed…..another hilarious blog – thanks for being you!

  11. Anthony Goins says:

    G.O.L.F. : Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden…..500 year old irish acronym…….

  12. Tammy says:

    I, too, read this with your voice in my head! It’s much better than any of the other voices in my head and way more hilarious!
    Good stuff!

  13. Movie Theatre Butter says:

    I love ya K-MAD, but you should check out your marketing peeps. I go on your tour schedule page to possibly get tix for tonight’s show and there is a banner at the top that says “tonight 8pm SOLD OUT”. I’m no expert in promoting these events but….BRRRRRP !

  14. shellie blum says:

    tell those fuckfaces to take their balls and club each other over their heads,,,,i don’t think there is really any way to knock some cents into them, don’t they know there are more women in the world, and we are the ones that buy shit,,,,duh!

  15. Deb says:

    Omg its like u speak the words right out of my mouth! Exactly how i feel about this bullshit. Its no wonder why ur fans stick around for twenty plus years. U reminded me today with this blog why u r the shit. No matter what the topic u can make me laugh just by being u! Thanks

  16. Saw you at Birchmere a month back – great show as always. I knew you were a golfer and think you should work this into your act. Oh, BTW, next time you play Birchmere, my wife and I will gladly host you at our club – we want women there.

    Rock on.

  17. Pingback: The Masters | I love quebec music

  18. Sharron Jackson says:

    No need for panic yet, I took the following bit from the Wall Street Journal. I bet she will be offered a membership next year. Its probably worth mentioning that Mrs. Rometty doesn’t play golf. She prefers scuba diving.

    If Ms. Rometty isn’t offered a membership it would be a break from Masters tradition. The last four CEOs of IBM have been offered membership, which allows a person to don the club’s famous green blazer.

    Still, the chief executives often have had to wait before securing membership, said a person familiar with the matter. When Samuel J. Palmisano became CEO of IBM in March 2002, he wasn’t immediately made a member, said the person.

    After he took the top job, there was considerable discussion among Mr. Palmisano and his associates over whether he should join a club that excludes women, said the person. He ultimately decided to apply and he was accepted as a member.

    Former IBM CEO Louis V. Gerstner used to take Mr. Palmisano and other top managers down to the event to play the course and meet clients, said a person familiar with the matter.

  19. Anna Palucci says:

    You are F’IN hilarious!! I did have the word fuck in there, but then, I felt a little self-conscious about it and changed it. The Irish as a group kinda get on my nerves, you know, St Patrick’s Day, what about St. Joseph? But YOU, are alright in my book, (like you really give a shit). Anyway, Redheads rock! I’m a fake redhead, but I am very vigilant about keeping my roots from showing… being 42, still single,and unable to find one damn Mormon clan that would let me join, I spent the night laughing my fucking ass off watching your show. Oh, shit was this supposed to be about golf? Really, you are amazing, thanks for keeping me laughing non-stop for over an hour!!!

  20. Ras Trent says:

    Kathleen, some one like you might be welcome but not most women. Guys tend to have their own sense of humor and do weird shit that they don’t usually do around most women.

    When women are around, men tend to hold back on certain jokes (yes sexist ones, rapey ones etc.). We fart. We think it’s funny when we fart. We’re cool with girls who think that’s funny too.

    And that’s not most of them.

  21. Jackie Ann says:

    Perfectly put. I completely agree. You are hilarious, keep it up!

  22. Erin says:

    Where could I pee at the Masters? Men’s urinals?

  23. Dawn says:

    Great blog. Hmmm, I heard your voice in my head as I was reading this as well – too funny.

    Going to see you for the first time in September when you go to Foxwoods in CT – CANNOT wait. Gonna wear my “who farted” hat I bought at a trailer park gift shop….

    Favorite comedian ever – I hear your bits on Rawdog or Blue Collar on Sirius and still laugh even though I know most of them by heart.

  24. Patti says:

    all I have to say is I wish Pandora had a rewind button, reading your words, I hear ya laughing… and I am just cracking up…. Keep it real… Keep it going… Laugh til it hurts… and tears are rolling down your eyes… REALLY? it’s all to frickin’ funny… lol…

  25. GV728 says:

    You drink, play golf and are funny as hell…
    I love you! ;)~

  26. Kathleen,

    If I can call you that. Just watched the Ron White “Salute to the Troops,” (yes I’m hopelessly behind). You made me laugh ’till I cried.

    Your eternal fan,

  27. wayne bancroft says:

    Dude…whats your handicap?? We are looking for a fourth for scramble in november. Westover AFB. Horseshoes and beers following the match. Let me know!!

  28. hposasjr says:

    wow you are a fantastic ; funny ; witty; and very well spoken lady.
    I love the way you bring family and Catholicism together.
    love the way you deal with the PCs of the world; obamacare; hope etc
    you rock

  29. D says:

    Kathleen, you’re very sexy, and I love your comedy.

  30. Judith Dutton says:

    I once was a cocktail waitress in an all male bar at an exclusive golf club. Women could golf, but not go into the bar? The men mostly sat around like zombies, and tipped poorly. At least in the bars, I want women. They made very pathetic passes at the waitresses. Once I was able to look at this joker – about my father’s age, and say “I dated your son last night: honestly. Now that was fun. He was suddenly not interested – at all! Amazing what we did to pay for university.

  31. Dan says:

    I love golf. I don’t love the rules. I love meat and potatoes. It’s how I was brought up. You’re honest, the best rule in golf, thow out the ancient ones. Don’t want to sound creepy but let me know when you plan on a show in NH. I’ll be there with my son because you are cool.
    Peace and Love

  32. Mary-L Pinheiro says:

    You’re sooo funny–love your comedy but dislike golf. I live off the 17th fairway of our local course. We get about 200 balls a year in the yard (a couple through our windows). The green coats are welcome to my balls–
    Anyway, thank you for your work with our military troops–I have a daughter in the Army reserves. I laughed myself off the couch with your 2010 Ron White Salute routine. I pee myself a little tiny bit every time I think of your line about the local women “dressed as bee keepers.”
    Great line!!

  33. Dennis says:

    Kathleen … hope you see this. they have found the virgin Mary again. check out the news on msn.
    so funny. I thought of you right away

  34. stephen says:


  35. btg says:

    Nice touch, Kathleen. I’ve been to the Masters many times and it’s just as funny as you describe it.
    I agree, who cares if they don’t allow this or that. I love golf but I can’t imagine joining something as boring as Augusta National.
    Keep up the funny work…you joke about things I didn’t even know I thought about.

  36. Kevin says:

    I watched the “Gone”special this morning. Sorry I don’t know where to put this. The outfit Kathleen wears in it is very similar to the twin killers in Breaking Bad. 3rd season, “one minute” episode. I think these two twin killers wear the exact same outfit, replace kathleen’s sparkle shirt with a bullet proof vest, and I think there is a connection. At least it is the same one Gus wore when he killed the entire cartel down in south america.

  37. Kelly says:

    Ok the STUPID guy about “curves” … I got nothin!!!! Nothin !! That’s just not a smart enough argument to even address. I feel my face getting hot for his own embarrassment for letting it fall out of his mouth. Girl I don’t blame you for not fighting for the right to play. Who gives a SHiT BALL if this guy is any indication of what we are working with!!!
    P.S. please come to Dallas we swear we will
    Talk faster !! Lol

  38. T J says:

    Golf. A game of skill where a bunch of (mostly) men go around in their spare time using stiff poles trying to get balls into holes. Many of them drive overpriced, overly powerful cars. (Pause for your thinking cap time.) I hear that the men’s only clubs are set up so they can have male-male relations in porta-potties on the course. Then they cut business deals and plot how to end suffrage, re-institute slavery, and become a British colony again.

    Curves. The rumor there is that some guy wanted to see what was going on inside, so he climbed up on a dumpster and looked through a crack in the curtains. What he saw caused him to go blind, PTSD, and his penis slowly turned black and fell off. Contrary to popular messages, average middle-aged women are very sexy. It is sad that our culture posits that if you don’t look like Ken or Barbie, then letting other people see your skin is the equivalent of exposing them to radiation. Sad, sad. That’s why I mow my lawn in a fluorescent green thong (and sneakers, sun hat and eye protection – you have to be safe, you know). My neighbors want to run my lawnmower over the hair on my back, but my bald head keeps stopping the blade from spinning. It is either that or the hair from my ears keeps getting tangled in the blades.

    I’m sorry, Kathleen. You need to give up your Master’s towels, hats, dish towels, bondage gear and crotchless panties. They don’t give a shit about women, except they’ll take your money at the gate. And they’ll probably have someone who is an ethnic minority park your car and clean the bathrooms at the clubhouse. If they want to have a male exclusive club, that is A-OK. Just don’t give them your money or watch them on television. And make your significant other (if applicable) make it up to you if they support it.

  39. kb says:

    K you so rock da house!
    get your backside to toledo and do a show wouldJJJa?

  40. OPGolfer says:

    Do NOT give up any of your Masters paraphernalia. It’s still GOLF! And one of the most beautiful courses and interesting golf tournaments I have ever seen.

    They’ve now admitted two women. So they have acquiesced to our wishes.

    Okay, Condi Rice is sooo much of a Republican, they were able to see beyond her breasts and the mushroom cloud she promised.

    You just know that her first guest will be W. And the members will be so happy that they will all dance naked in Ray’s Creek. Okay, maybe not totally naked, they will still have on their Green Jackets for propriety.

    I would laugh my ass off that instead of W she would invite another Black person, say Obama, to play with her. The membership would be doing something other than dancing in Ray’s Creek!

  41. Alan Banish says:


    You can come down to Alabama and play all the golf you can stand on the Robert Trent Jones Golf Trail, I believe there are 5 sites with at least two major courses at each venue, and when you finish with that, the Poarch Creek Indians have three casinos in the state (they serve drinks LOL), when/if you decide to do this, will you please bring me along on a round/trip to the casino? I currently live in northern Virginia, a town named Winchester, I’ve been here for two years for the job I have, I do haile from Alabama, and I am a psycho mean/ liberal/progressive, probably the only white dude from alabama over 50 (I’m 51) who has never voted for a republican, NEVER LOL. Alabama is now run by the tez party/ nazi skinhead sector of the GOP, I hAve a name for the voters that elected these zealots, “foodstamp republicans”…go figure. you are the best comic on thiks or any other planet, you rock, and i swear….i was smitten with you in 10 minutes of watching and listening…it is what it is :)

  42. Jane Higgins says:

    The word golf is an acronim, gentlemen only ladies forbidden. I believe it was started by a bunch of Irishmen or Scots who wanted to drink and act up without their wives knowing what they were doing. They could do so under the guise of a gentlemen’s game. That pretty much holds true today. I suspect there’s lots of scratching, spitting, swearing, and lighting farts on fire going on that only appeals to men.

  43. Wanda says:

    Brilliant, thank you!
    I’m sure golf is damned fun to play. I could say I have no personal experience, but I played once in a “team building” day hosted by the company I worked for and I got an award for having the highest score. I find it excruciating to watch. When I want to walk that far I take my dog for a walk. 😉
    Sadly, Jane, golf isn’t an acronym (See Snopes on the topic: http://www.snopes.com/language/acronyms/golf.asp).

  44. thomas hoedeman says:

    hey! when are you comin to Michigan? we love you! im up by traverse city. get yourself up here! you and lewis are the best. ive been tellin everyone about you. get here,we’ll go on a boat and have some drinks.

  45. Kevin says:

    As always; thanks for the realistic commentary!!

    As for Golf being a man’s game it does make sense as it is the only sport that once a man has been inducted into the Golf Hall of Fame, he can claim his balls (golf) are in the hall of fame.

  46. Shirlhock says:

    This is waaaaaaaaay off topic so please don’t anyone yell at me. I’m writing on this blog site to ask if Kathleen Madigan will come to Sacramento, CA. Lewis Black was just here at the Sacramento Community Center Theater and it was a spectacular event. Please come do a show there. Please.

  47. sherree says:

    I think you are the funniest women alive…have you ever thought about running jokes around the heavenly creatures movie…I have a field day about it telling people…she is now a renown author in England and what a crazy crazy story this is….you want to cry but all you can say is unbelievable. Unreal…if I were good on stage this topic would be my mayday….how stupid are we people… now everyone deserves a second chance but murder…get real…but then again what do I know

  48. chaz says:

    Kathleen- I think you are a GREAT comedian, BUT this RANT is EXACTLY why guys don’t want WOMEN to be around all of the time. We just want some PEACE and QUIET away from women’s RANTS. Just because they found a COOL hideaway, you have to go and BASH it. UNCOOL!

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