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Grammy Awards 2012

If anyone is tempted to take my blogs seriously, please keep in mind I’m typing this on Microsoft Word 2003. I’m really not a person to be taken seriously.

I was going to write about politics, but I had so much fun watching the Grammy awards I thought I’d share a few thoughts. I love Adele. I love Jennifer Hudson. I like Katy Perry. I love Mumford and Sons. That being said, let’s go through some things that ran through my mind.

Radiohead was nominated and every time I hear them I think, “Oh. This must be drug music.” I then realize I’ve officially turned into my father. I’m a 70 year-old white guy in a recliner who doesn’t understand much after Iwo Jima. Then I decided not to be so judgmental. That lasted until Chris Brown came out to thunderous applause. He beat the living shit out of a woman and threw her out of a car. A woman, Rihanna, who is RIGHT THERE. A woman, who by the way, my Dad thinks is Beyonce and doesn’t understand why she won’t sing louder. I explained that she’s actually Rihanna. He then asked if that was a Stevie Nicks song. Wow, close Dad! Points for close. No, Rhiannon is a Stevie Nicks song but let’s just move on. Maybe there’s a guy backstage who killed a woman, but who can dance well and we can clap for. Who knows?

And there’s Lady Gaga. I’ve seen Lady GaGa in concert and it is exactly what you’d think—shocking. Fun and energetic, but no staying power. She’s sitting there with a rhinestone fishnet over her face, holding a scepter and winning nothing. Meanwhile, Adele, in a normal dress, is winning everything. GaGa is an extension of Madonna, who is not a great singer but shocks everyone and performs well. But shock fades. After awhile the only thing left shocking to do would be to not be shocking. But it’s way too late for that. You’ve stuck yourself in the “gotta be shocking” category and have to live with it. The result? Madonna’s halftime show. Nothing shocking except that she can still do it at her age.

Here comes Niki Minaj. I don’t know what she does, but remaining open minded. Uh-oh. This is weird. And getting much weirder. I hope the Vatican doesn’t have cable. As a performer, all I can think is, wow, this number costs a shitload of money. The lights, the set, the dancers, etc…all this for this song? So far all I can gather is she’s very upset with the Catholic Church and likes fire. Or maybe, as usual, there’s a subtle message I’m not picking up. I’m always the last to understand anything subtle. Or perhaps, this is just Madonna-GaGa rip-off-shock-garbage. Either way, I was not bored. I’ll give her that. Though, I would not want to be the intern answering the emails this morning regarding that “song.” I need more wine after that, but the kitchen is too far away.

Taylor Swift is in full Hee Haw mode with banjo and washboards. The lyrics were, “I’ll be winning Grammy’s and you’ll still be mean.” Can’t argue with simplicity. Well said. For those who never saw Hee Haw it was a TV show that looked exactly like her performance except every now and then a board would randomly smack someone in the ass. Ok, I’m getting up for more wine.

I’m also texting my best Mexican comedian friend Cristela Alonzo.

Me: So far, no Mexicans. This is bullshit. Write a terse email.
Cristela: We have our own award shows.
Me: Well you should try and be the first cross over. Mexican rapper lady
Cristela: I’m too busy failing at one career.

Paul McCartney. My Dad still can’t understand why Paul is married to a woman with one leg. Well he’s not anymore Dad, and I still can’t answer that question. Paul’s Valentine’s Day song made me wanna kill myself. That’s not what Valentine’s Day is for.

Oh, we are going outside to the dance-electronic tent. I don’t really know what electronic means and I hate electronics, but I’ll stay open minded. It’s cold outside tonight in LA so I hope these people brought warm clothes or have done drugs and don’t realize it’s cold. Lots of glow sticks. I’ve never done ecstasy, but I think it would probably help me understand what’s really happening. Foo Fighters. Hmm. Angry music from people just about my age. I don’t understand that, but maybe all my angst flew out the window when I was able to afford a giant tv and got permanent “Gold” status on American Airlines. But wait, WTF is that DJ with the Giant Light Up Mouse Head? I am definitely not familiar with his work but so far, I love it. I’m also texting at this point with my friend Lewis Black.

Lew: I’m freaked out by the mouse.
Me: Don’t be. I love the mouse. Don’t disrespect the mouse.
Lew: It isn’t music
Me: Hardly anything on this show is but I want the mouse at my birthday party. You always say you don’t know what to get me, well, now you do.

Back inside. Oh, god. It’s the Beach Boys, but Maroon 5 is with them.

Lew: you have the beach boys and you have other people sing them???
Me: lew I think at least one, if not more of the beach boys are brain damaged. Seriously. I read that somewhere or maybe I just decided that.
Lew: So what. The other groups sang like they were brain damaged.
Me: Nicki Minaj’s performance may have caused me brain damage.

Fun night. I’m now going to put on Florence and the Machine, who were nominated for nothing which I think is bullshit, and I may download Rhinestone Cowboy and send a copy to my 30-something brother who texted “who’s Glen Campbell?” and also confessed he secretly also loves Adele and sings her songs quite loudly in his car. I hope with the windows rolled up. He’s an awesome golfer but him singing “Someone Like Me” could probably kill bears hibernating in Canada.

 

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33 Responses to Grammy Awards 2012

  1. Michele Davidow says:

    Kathleen, our hibernating bears are pretty tough to kill. Question: why are there no Canadian dates on your upcoming schedule? You’re going to Fargo…go north 3 hours and stop in Winnipeg…..PLEASE. We love you up here.

  2. Karen Brandenburg says:

    Brilliantly said, I love it!! Keep going Kathleen, listen to you on XM almost daily!! Good job!!

  3. Michael Wilmot says:

    Niki Minaj made me feel old. The Beach Boys made me feel young. The Giant Light up Mouse Head made me glad Walt Disney never did acid. Actually maybe he did, that would explain a lot. The next day I bought The Civil Wars CD because I already have the Adele CD they were the only act that didn’t burst into flames, scare me, confuse me or shout at me with a megaphone.
    It was a good show but I think I blew out a knee watching Bruno Mars.

  4. Pingback: Grammy Awards 2012 | I love quebec music

  5. Charlene Main says:

    Ha ha..This was one of the first Grammy’s I’ve watched in years. I only watched it to check out the hair.
    I have to admit, I was most ditracted by Carrie Underwood’s eyelashes..seriously, how long did she have to train to be able to hold the weight of those up? It was like an eposide of Fear Factor-”here, let’s see how long you can stand these tarantula’s crawling on your eyes”. Ghastly.

    GaGa looked lost all night.

    HeeHaw..oh that was good. I bet your brother could sing the “you met another and pfft, you were gone”…

    The Beach Boys were like a train wreck-they kept focussing in on the drummer, who I’m not sure was even actually alive. I think they just had a stick up the back of his shirt and worked him like they do Dick Clark on New Years..

    Love you to bits!!

  6. Jo Miller says:

    Oh, Kathleen, FINALLY a comedian I can relate to! I’m a 46 year old woman, raised in the Midwest. You are HILARIOUS! Come to Chicago, or Iowa – I can visit my folks while you’re there.

  7. Frank Stokes says:

    Kathleen, no tour stops in Georgia? Don’t believe what you hear, we’re not that bad! My wife, ex-wife, and step god-daughter are all dying to see you in person… :) ))

  8. Dave and Mel says:

    Thank you and our Lord for having your show the same weekend Wickenburg is having their “Gold Rush Days.” Can’t tell you how many excuses we gave to our friends why we have to leave the event early, but none better than the one that we have had tickets to see your show for months and can’t miss it for any reason.

  9. Carole Pook says:

    Great show in Chandler (not Phoenix) last night..
    Unfortunately, we ARE your parents which is a shocking
    revelation…thought we were still cool. Keep on!

  10. The Truth says:

    Kathleen, I love this post! BTW, I got here via LEWIS BLACK’s Twitter (really). He says he’s on Twitter only because you shamed him into it, so went from there to your Twitter feed to here.

    I totally identify with everything you say here.

    I can’t stand the Beach Boys and the only thing worse than sitting through a medley of Beach Boys songs is a medley of the Beach Boys as performed by MORON 5.

    Love it!

    http://americantruism.blogspot.com

  11. Lori Crowe says:

    Definitely a YES on Florence and the Machine! Damn it I miss REO Speedwagon. Maybe some Journey.OZZY any day! The show in it’s entirety was very boring and made me want wish there was a GOP debate to watch.Now that’s entertainment.At least the gruesome foursome can make me laugh.

  12. aaron donaghe says:

    Sweetie, I dont know how you feel about Texas, but I would love for you to make a trip down here for a show. I love you to death and would love for you to do a show down here, you can bring Lou if you want to first round is on me!

  13. Jen Engwer says:

    Kathleen….I think you’re absolutely amazing! Anyway you’d consider coming to the New York area for a show? The Turning Stone Casino is a nice venue….NY loves you!

  14. Maridel Reynolds says:

    Are you my sister lost at birth? I just watched your HBO special for the 41st time. Please, please come to Ga. We’ll put the dog in the house, the kids to bed early and crack open a box of wine.Actually, I’m older than your mom, but understand you,totally. Maybe I am you. Only older..and taller..and southern. Not Kelly P.southern. You are going to force me to buy another stupid electronic thing;so I won’t have to watch you on HBO for the 42nd time. I still laugh my ass off. I need to get out more.

  15. Lynn Roberts says:

    Kathleen,
    Can’t wait to see you this week in DC! We met last year on the boat…at the bar…how odd. But my camera broke on the cruise…any chance for a photo op with one of the funniest women in America? See you at the Birch…
    Lynn

  16. The Queen says:

    I’m so excited to see you in Las Vegas….I can’t beleive we are getting on a plane just to see you and then fly home.Of course we drove 120 miles to see Lew. (twice)

  17. SHARYN O'NEILL says:

    DEAR KATHLEEN,
    THANK GOD FOR YOU …………..NOW MY KIDS CAN REEED WHERE I’VE BEEN AT
    & MAYBE W/ A LITTLE IMAGINATION….THEY MIGHT BE ABLE TO FIGURE OUT, WHERE THEY’RE MOTHER ACTUALLY CAME FROM….YOU ARE SO FREAKING HILARIOUS! SO GLAD U CAME INTO MY LIFE!

  18. SueAnne Fife says:

    Kathleen, I love your observations from the Grammy’s and I love your stand up routine. Keep up the great work and please come to Houston – I’ll be on the front row LMAO !

  19. jaclyn jackel says:

    uh… i was looking at your pictures and i dont know where to put this but, you are tiny. funny tiny. not tiny tiny.
    tahnks for the laughs

  20. Wow. Excellent recap/review of the Grammys. Grammy’s? Grammys’. Dammit I don’t know which. I didn’t even watch the show, but reading this entry I felt like I was there, suffering through every minute right along side you. Great stuff. Thanks for the funny.

  21. Momma Dowdy says:

    I have both Sirius XM and a commute that is the bane of my existence…anytime that I can find you on one of the radio channels performing makes my day so much more do-able. Blessings to you. We all need more reality and laughter…vitamin C is not doin’ it’s thing these days. lol. not really.

  22. mary pat smith says:

    Have tickets for your Boston show April 20th. Can’t wait. Love the way you see things!

  23. Tony Friedde says:

    Kathleen you must come to the Miami area. I can’t wait to see you live!

  24. Jason says:

    this is some well written piece. i’m amused.

  25. Debra says:

    Love yer sense of humor. I will watch a show just because your on it.

  26. Cheryl G says:

    Wanna see you live. Any tourdates for Northern California?

  27. Scott says:

    Kathleen, just out of curiosity, what do you suppose the suicide rate around Valentines day might be? more than at Christmas or about the same? Saw you at Treasure Island (MN) come back soon.

  28. Amanda says:

    Kathleen, I love you. You are my favorite comedienne bar none, and you are (hands down) the funniest lady on the planet. Reading this in your voice made it all funnier. Kudos!

  29. Judine Beuning says:

    Watched a bunch of your videos last night when I couldn’t sleep. Laughed until I cried at each one. You are the best! Now I just click on your videos whenever I want to laugh…..you just make me so happy!

  30. Kristin Bramson says:

    Kathleen, You are my favorite comedian!!! I wish you would play at the Hermosa Comedy and Magic Club more often. I would come each time! I see you arent scheduled there this year. bummed.

  31. Barbara Shindel says:

    My daughter introduced me to your tapes and I fell in love with your comedy. Do you ever play anywhere around Allentown. Pa… I would love to see you in concert. Keep up the good work. Really enjoy your tapes.

  32. Lynn gay says:

    I am sitting in the second row in the concert hall, just about to see you, can’t wait, second time

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