Please read no further if you have no sense of humor.
I’m exasperated with the amount of people who take me seriously on here and twitter. Christ, I don’t hide under a false pretense. It says everywhere, “Comedian. Jackass. Barely paid attention in college. Slept through grade school. Is barely awake now.” So, fun people, read on. Everyone else, ahhhh, move on to serious people with serious thoughts. I’d recommend George Will. He’s very serious. And seemingly smart. So, see, I’ll even guide you to your true leaders.
Now with that out of the way, I’m sorry I’ve been absent here. I’ve been doing theater gigs, The Tonight Show and on the Lewis Black Comedy Cruise which I’m convinced was captained by a raging Swedish alcoholic. Those were not “small waves” sir, but ok, I’ll have another Monkey Ass Rum Punch and act like nothing is happening and hope the Dramamine kicks in and the rum stays down before I move onto beer.
The Republican Debate was this week and even though I tweeted, thought I’d sum it up for those of you who don’t have the time or inclination for Twitter.
Newt–AKA Leroy McPherson (WHYYYY he doesn’t go by his REAL name is beyond me. WHO THE FUCK doesn’t wanna hang out with Leroy McPherson??? God knows I do.) dug a hole in the debate this week by presenting an immigration plan which involves how long you’ve been here, if you go to church and ahhhhh, something else. Whatever it was, the Republicans don’t like it AT ALL and he’s being nailed today. He’s confident and as he gains in the polls, he’s gaining pounds. I think he may have eaten Chris Christy. Someone check New Jersey. Newt always comes off as the smartest, save for Ron Paul who is in the “alien” category. He uses words to bitch slap other people like, “well Mitt is FUNDAMENTALLY wrong.” So, in other words, Mitt is such a fundamental, colossal moron, I’m just going to move on. Then he quotes something from the 1800’s which no one knows for sure if it’s true, but it sounds right. It’s a good strategy and it works. I think Newt will weather this recent storm as all the other storms and my money is on him, minus any late entries, on being the nominee.
Mitt—Oh, Mitt. He threw an Al Gore fit when Ron Paul bitch slapped him regarding his comment about foreign aid. Ron saying, “Ahhh, Mr. Romney, we don’t even have money right now.” SMACK! Ron, as usual, was laying out the actual truth that no one–democrats or republicans–wants to hear, and Mitt basically stomped his feet and behaved like a teenage girl who was just told she can’t go out. It’s been five years and no one likes Mitt and no one knows why. I feel sorry for the guy. I’m sure he wakes up and thinks, “I like me. My wife likes me. What is the problem?” Well, we don’t know, Mitt. It’s just a people thing and we innately feel you’re not a real person. He’s in favor of sending all illegals back. Even if one agrees with this, HOW? In LA, we have so few cops, if you have a car accident, they won’t even come unless someone is hurt. So who is going to do this? Then I thought, well, my parents are retired and like driving places and getting cheap medicine, maybe we could have retired people drive illegal aliens back to wherever and get their Lipitor for $4.00.
Cain—Cain gives the answer I love to give when I don’t know the answer, which is most of the time. “Oh, well, if I were in that situation, I’d ask some people that know more than me, which would be everybody.” He clearly knows nothing about foreign policy but some people are ok with that. He didn’t have any snappy phrases or funny lines, which is his strong suit, so bad night for Herman. He’ll get speaking gigs when this is over but I’d say that’s the best he can hope for.
Bachman–People say it’s unfair to criticize her looks because she’s a woman. No. I criticize chubby Newt for eating all of Herman’s pizza so looks are fair game.
Her hair was perfect. Good job, Marcus. The makeup room must have had dim lighting, though, because the makeup was a tad off the rails. Every time they say she’s on our “intelligence committee” I think about the other people on that committee that have to listen to her talk and wonder how they resist shoving their heads into the pitcher of water in the middle of the table. She held her own…if you can follow her. I get lost. She starts out with a normal sentence and then it’s just goes bananas. Newt looked like he wanted to punch her in the face and tried to hide it by turning away, but was then forced to look at Mitt’s weird smile. Tough choice. Stare at Huntsman. He’s normal.
Huntsman–Once again, I don’t know why he just doesn’t answer every question in fluent Chinese and act like that’s normal. I would. At least I’d be the talk of the debate and no one could refute what I said. Suck it, Santorum. You’ve no clue that I just said you look like a chubster from the side camera angle. Huntsman is always normal and rational. I don’t understand why the Republicans don’t like him. He’s also selling beer koozies (check my next blog for this breakdown) on his website for $7.50 that are tasteful and pretty which makes me love him even more. And yes I know he’s a Mormon, but we all know koozies are for beer. Let’s not act like we like soda enough to invest $7.50. He had his best debate which means he’ll move from 3 percent to 4 percent.
Santorum—Rick is what happens when Catholics take their religion seriously. Most of us don’t. We leave that up to priests and nuns. We get the gist of it and try to be nice people who enjoy a fish fry and a drink. He couldn’t even win re-election in his own state so I’m not sure why he’s gunning for the top butttttt maybe he’s not. He may be running for #2. If so, he did fine. Actually did well for him. His weird, “why are you talking to me?” look was not there which seems to be his biggest problem.
Rick Perry—HOW DID TEXAS DO THIS 3 TIMES??? WHAT IS THE REST OF AMERICA MISSING IN THIS DUDE? WOW. I love Austin. I love Houston (my favorite bar EVER was in Houston…The Aquarium Lounge..that’s just a shout out to true alcoholics) I’ve gotten pleasantly hammered in Dallas at least 20 times but dear god. Maybe he reallllllly knows Texas well and that’s his expertise but he and Cain couldn’t put a puzzle map of the U.S together if they were given a 6 state start much less talk about foreign policy. There’s verrrrrry few moments in a debate where I think, “Oh my god. I’m smarter than that person.” It’s an awful thought that I don’t ever wanna have but 5 out of 10 times when Perry speaks, that’s what runs through my tiny mind. If Texas really ever does become it’s own country, maybe he could be the president of that. He’s to the point that when he speaks, no one else even addresses what he says. He did, at least, not forget what he was talking about in mid sentence which is something I do at least six times a day and felt bad for the guy during that debacle.
Ron Paul—First of all, his suit fit! Whaaaa? He didn’t have that weird collar gag he usually has. Points for style, Ron. Points. As I say in my act, he’s your crazy grandpa at Thanksgiving shouting shit out. We alllll know he’s right but you just can’t do that. We don’t know why. We know you just can’t. We’d have to start from scratch and no one knows how to do that and you, Ron, are too small and strange to convince us to follow you. There’s things I completely disagree with him on but there are some things that he says in front of an all conservative audience that take the balls of Attila the Hun. I don’t know what he’s aiming for because he clearly won’t be the nominee, but, maybe, he actually just believes in what he’s saying. That would be weird huh? He hates the patriot act for limiting our freedom. Me too Ron. I’m tired of taking off my shoes at the airport because ONE NUTBAG, ONE in 400 MILLION, put fireworks in his shoe. That’s living in fear. I’m a gambler. I say shoes on, let’s take our chances. His foreign policy is basically, we don’t need to be anywhere but here and everyone else’s problems are their own. Hard to argue looking at the trillion spent in Iraq and Afghanistan and after being in both places twice, I’m with Ron. Would have been better to fix pot holes here. As a start. We could do more than fix potholes with a trillion. We could probably even build my fantasy bullet train from Vegas to Everywhere. Ron won’t prevail but at least someone is standing there saying, “quite frankly, this whole discussion is bullshit because nothing anyone’s talking about is real.” The problem is, we’ve all been taught that it is real. We know it’s kind of not and we know Ron is kinda right but it’s too scary to just dynamite the house when we don’t even know if there’s an apartment for rent.
So, with that said, I’m off to Las Vegas for Thanksgiving. I will be thankful the Lions are actually reasonably good this year and may actually provide a game for us to watch, thankful that video poker was invented, thankful that after working in Vegas for 23 years I keep getting paid a little more and treated a little better, thankful that Harrah’s never changes it’s floor plan and I know exactly where my good machines are, thankful that people can still smoke and drink and be complete degenerates and it’s encouraged and thankful that I will be flying on a day when hopefully no one else feels normal doing that. I have 6 siblings so no one will notice till around 9 pm that I’m not there which is spectacular. I’ll be there for Christmas which is really my favorite holiday anyway. The only way Thanksgiving could be better is if I was eating Thanksgiving dinner at an Indian Casino Buffet. That would be the twitter picture of the decade. Ohhhhh, the irony. Everything comes around in a big circle if you wait long enough. Maybe next year. The Potawatomi tribe loves me. So do the Mohegans. I know more about Indians from casinos than I ever learned in school. Education through gambling and jokes. IIIIII like it.
Over and Out. Happy Thanksgiving.