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Republican Roundup

Happy Thanksgiving!

Please read no further if you have no sense of humor.

I’m exasperated with the amount of people who take me seriously on here and twitter. Christ, I don’t hide under a false pretense. It says everywhere, “Comedian. Jackass. Barely paid attention in college. Slept through grade school. Is barely awake now.” So, fun people, read on. Everyone else, ahhhh, move on to serious people with serious thoughts. I’d recommend George Will. He’s very serious. And seemingly smart. So, see, I’ll even guide you to your true leaders.

Now with that out of the way, I’m sorry I’ve been absent here. I’ve been doing theater gigs, The Tonight Show and on the Lewis Black Comedy Cruise which I’m convinced was captained by a raging Swedish alcoholic. Those were not “small waves” sir, but ok, I’ll have another Monkey Ass Rum Punch and act like nothing is happening and hope the Dramamine kicks in and the rum stays down before I move onto beer.

The Republican Debate was this week and even though I tweeted, thought I’d sum it up for those of you who don’t have the time or inclination for Twitter.

Newt–AKA Leroy McPherson (WHYYYY he doesn’t go by his REAL name is beyond me. WHO THE FUCK doesn’t wanna hang out with Leroy McPherson??? God knows I do.) dug a hole in the debate this week by presenting an immigration plan which involves how long you’ve been here, if you go to church and ahhhhh, something else. Whatever it was, the Republicans don’t like it AT ALL and he’s being nailed today. He’s confident and as he gains in the polls, he’s gaining pounds. I think he may have eaten Chris Christy. Someone check New Jersey. Newt always comes off as the smartest, save for Ron Paul who is in the “alien” category. He uses words to bitch slap other people like, “well Mitt is FUNDAMENTALLY wrong.” So, in other words, Mitt is such a fundamental, colossal moron, I’m just going to move on. Then he quotes something from the 1800′s which no one knows for sure if it’s true, but it sounds right. It’s a good strategy and it works. I think Newt will weather this recent storm as all the other storms and my money is on him, minus any late entries, on being the nominee.

Mitt—Oh, Mitt. He threw an Al Gore fit when Ron Paul bitch slapped him regarding his comment about foreign aid. Ron saying, “Ahhh, Mr. Romney, we don’t even have money right now.” SMACK! Ron, as usual, was laying out the actual truth that no one–democrats or republicans–wants to hear, and Mitt basically stomped his feet and behaved like a teenage girl who was just told she can’t go out. It’s been five years and no one likes Mitt and no one knows why. I feel sorry for the guy. I’m sure he wakes up and thinks, “I like me. My wife likes me. What is the problem?” Well, we don’t know, Mitt. It’s just a people thing and we innately feel you’re not a real person. He’s in favor of sending all illegals back. Even if one agrees with this, HOW? In LA, we have so few cops, if you have a car accident, they won’t even come unless someone is hurt. So who is going to do this? Then I thought, well, my parents are retired and like driving places and getting cheap medicine, maybe we could have retired people drive illegal aliens back to wherever and get their Lipitor for $4.00.

Cain—Cain gives the answer I love to give when I don’t know the answer, which is most of the time. “Oh, well, if I were in that situation, I’d ask some people that know more than me, which would be everybody.” He clearly knows nothing about foreign policy but some people are ok with that. He didn’t have any snappy phrases or funny lines, which is his strong suit, so bad night for Herman. He’ll get speaking gigs when this is over but I’d say that’s the best he can hope for.

Bachman–People say it’s unfair to criticize her looks because she’s a woman. No. I criticize chubby Newt for eating all of Herman’s pizza so looks are fair game.

Her hair was perfect. Good job, Marcus. The makeup room must have had dim lighting, though, because the makeup was a tad off the rails. Every time they say she’s on our “intelligence committee” I think about the other people on that committee that have to listen to her talk and wonder how they resist shoving their heads into the pitcher of water in the middle of the table. She held her own…if you can follow her. I get lost. She starts out with a normal sentence and then it’s just goes bananas. Newt looked like he wanted to punch her in the face and tried to hide it by turning away, but was then forced to look at Mitt’s weird smile. Tough choice. Stare at Huntsman. He’s normal.

Huntsman–Once again, I don’t know why he just doesn’t answer every question in fluent Chinese and act like that’s normal. I would. At least I’d be the talk of the debate and no one could refute what I said. Suck it, Santorum. You’ve no clue that I just said you look like a chubster from the side camera angle. Huntsman is always normal and rational. I don’t understand why the Republicans don’t like him. He’s also selling beer koozies (check my next blog for this breakdown) on his website for $7.50 that are tasteful and pretty which makes me love him even more. And yes I know he’s a Mormon, but we all know koozies are for beer. Let’s not act like we like soda enough to invest $7.50. He had his best debate which means he’ll move from 3 percent to 4 percent.

Santorum—Rick is what happens when Catholics take their religion seriously. Most of us don’t. We leave that up to priests and nuns. We get the gist of it and try to be nice people who enjoy a fish fry and a drink. He couldn’t even win re-election in his own state so I’m not sure why he’s gunning for the top butttttt maybe he’s not. He may be running for #2. If so, he did fine. Actually did well for him. His weird, “why are you talking to me?” look was not there which seems to be his biggest problem.

Rick Perry—HOW DID TEXAS DO THIS 3 TIMES??? WHAT IS THE REST OF AMERICA MISSING IN THIS DUDE? WOW. I love Austin. I love Houston (my favorite bar EVER was in Houston…The Aquarium Lounge..that’s just a shout out to true alcoholics) I’ve gotten pleasantly hammered in Dallas at least 20 times but dear god. Maybe he reallllllly knows Texas well and that’s his expertise but he and Cain couldn’t put a puzzle map of the U.S together if they were given a 6 state start much less talk about foreign policy. There’s verrrrrry few moments in a debate where I think, “Oh my god. I’m smarter than that person.” It’s an awful thought that I don’t ever wanna have but 5 out of 10 times when Perry speaks, that’s what runs through my tiny mind. If Texas really ever does become it’s own country, maybe he could be the president of that. He’s to the point that when he speaks, no one else even addresses what he says. He did, at least, not forget what he was talking about in mid sentence which is something I do at least six times a day and felt bad for the guy during that debacle.

Ron Paul—First of all, his suit fit! Whaaaa? He didn’t have that weird collar gag he usually has. Points for style, Ron. Points. As I say in my act, he’s your crazy grandpa at Thanksgiving shouting shit out. We alllll know he’s right but you just can’t do that. We don’t know why. We know you just can’t. We’d have to start from scratch and no one knows how to do that and you, Ron, are too small and strange to convince us to follow you. There’s things I completely disagree with him on but there are some things that he says in front of an all conservative audience that take the balls of Attila the Hun. I don’t know what he’s aiming for because he clearly won’t be the nominee, but, maybe, he actually just believes in what he’s saying. That would be weird huh? He hates the patriot act for limiting our freedom. Me too Ron. I’m tired of taking off my shoes at the airport because ONE NUTBAG, ONE in 400 MILLION, put fireworks in his shoe. That’s living in fear. I’m a gambler. I say shoes on, let’s take our chances. His foreign policy is basically, we don’t need to be anywhere but here and everyone else’s problems are their own. Hard to argue looking at the trillion spent in Iraq and Afghanistan and after being in both places twice, I’m with Ron. Would have been better to fix pot holes here. As a start. We could do more than fix potholes with a trillion. We could probably even build my fantasy bullet train from Vegas to Everywhere. Ron won’t prevail but at least someone is standing there saying, “quite frankly, this whole discussion is bullshit because nothing anyone’s talking about is real.” The problem is, we’ve all been taught that it is real. We know it’s kind of not and we know Ron is kinda right but it’s too scary to just dynamite the house when we don’t even know if there’s an apartment for rent.

So, with that said, I’m off to Las Vegas for Thanksgiving. I will be thankful the Lions are actually reasonably good this year and may actually provide a game for us to watch, thankful that video poker was invented, thankful that after working in Vegas for 23 years I keep getting paid a little more and treated a little better, thankful that Harrah’s never changes it’s floor plan and I know exactly where my good machines are, thankful that people can still smoke and drink and be complete degenerates and it’s encouraged and thankful that I will be flying on a day when hopefully no one else feels normal doing that. I have 6 siblings so no one will notice till around 9 pm that I’m not there which is spectacular. I’ll be there for Christmas which is really my favorite holiday anyway. The only way Thanksgiving could be better is if I was eating Thanksgiving dinner at an Indian Casino Buffet. That would be the twitter picture of the decade. Ohhhhh, the irony. Everything comes around in a big circle if you wait long enough. Maybe next year. The Potawatomi tribe loves me. So do the Mohegans. I know more about Indians from casinos than I ever learned in school. Education through gambling and jokes. IIIIII like it.

Over and Out. Happy Thanksgiving.

 

 

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35 Responses to Republican Roundup

  1. maboulette says:

    Love ya Kathleen – you are too too funny!!! Why didn’t I find you 20 years ago? I am old enough to be your mother and yet I had no idea you were out there telling jokes! The first joke of yours that I ever heard was the farmer during the flood, on the roof of his house with the cap that said “Who farted??” Love it!! And I love it when you Twitter the debates!!

  2. greg says:

    Kathleen. started listening 6 years ago on Sirius. You are the best. My wife says you are the only comedian she would pay money to see. Come to New England!!!!

  3. Stephanie says:

    I’m one of five siblings. We all feel like you’re our long lost sixth man. Hilarious. If I tweeted, I’d follow your debate commentary.

  4. Desaree says:

    Oh, you are my absolute favorite!!! Been a fan for quite some time, finally got to see you here in Nashville this summer. When we went back to our former hometown of Hermosa Beach for a family trip in August I just had to take my girlfriends to see you, now they love you too! We are all about the same age and relate completely, you are a riot! We so wish we could have a “Girls Night Out with Kathleen Madigan”, having a beer (or 3) with you would be so much fun! Wish you well in the New Year, can’t wait to see what you come up with next!
    Best!

  5. Karen Frazier says:

    Hey Kathleen, You are dead on with your political debate observations. Ron Paul is believable and crazily honest…and frightening. The rest are just frightening and crazy.
    I still think we need to hold lotteries for each office, loser has to be the president. :)
    Hugs & keep up the joking, the non morons know you’re kidding.
    Karen

  6. Great post! You’re as funny in print (okay e-print) as you are in person!

    Thanks for another great Lewis Black Cruise experience. You’re hilarious, even when green from seasickness.

    If I were you, I’d ignore those who drank the Republican Kool-Aid and/or dunked the wingnut teabags. You may be a comedian, but you’re also politically correct … and I don’t mean that in a baaaad way. :)

    So thanks for all the laughs! And thanks also for putting up with my hubby Mark.

  7. Doug says:

    Funny and on the money. But really funny.

    Look forward to you coming to Maine. It’s cold most of the time here so if like warmth, come to Portland around July or August. We need funny in Maine in a big way. Thanks in advance!

  8. Dena Stevens says:

    Americans are ridiculed by the “serious press” for getting their information from late night TV and people like yourself. But the “serious press” washes over things and puts a spins on politicians for their own agenda. At least you call it like you see it. I don’t have to agree, but then again I don’t have to read your blog or comment either.
    Keep up the good work!

  9. Mj Emjay says:

    Damnit.
    I love you.
    Brilliant woman.
    And. Spent the T-Day hollerday exposing assorted family members to your Mad-ness. Recruiting not only for you, but for intelligence, humor, and sanity for all people. :o ) Mj

  10. Joan Bradley says:

    You are hilarious! They need you on a network channel after the debate!

  11. Dear Kathleen Madigan,

    That was an insightful and entertaining essay on the most recent Repug debates. It seems like a good time of year to say I give THANKS for this essay, and for all your funny funny stuff.

    I did not realize you loved casinos; we are blessed with two here in the beautiful state of CT, but I noticed at your website that you have no tour dates here next year :(

    Please try to come to Mohegan or Foxwoods so we can come see you, and if you are in need of a sedative in the meantime (just being in the state of CT usually does the trick for me), I would be honored if you’d read: http://rangeleymoose.wordpress.com/2011/11/09/sex-in-the-city-at-the-casino/

    If I may, two comments inspired by your thought-provoking essay:

    1. Ron Paul is a hard one to ‘figger, but I mostly agree with you on all points. I would add that he’s kinda like the Repug’s annoying but truth-talking wildcard version of the Dem’s Kucinich, or the Indie’s Nader (except uglier than both of them, which is really saying something, if you’ll forgive me, Dennis).

    2. As scary as it was/is, the thought of Sarah Palin being a heartbeat away from the presidency is not half as frightening as the thought of Rick Santorum being #2. (He actually already is #2, when you think about it.) But my point is (and you can look this up if you find it hard to believe): Santorum is a guy who illegally and…how shall I say this…like a complete nut-job, took his full-term stillborn baby home from the hospital to pass it around to the household of kids he already had at home, so they could all get “closure” on the issue. I’d rather have that ignorant narcissist Sarah Palin covering my ass out in the wilds of Alaska than that bat-shit Rick Santorum trying to handle a national crisis by speaking in tongues to Jesus via Twitter.

    Thank you for taking the time to read this – I appreciate it so much!

    Kindest regards,

    Joanna G. Rapoza

  12. Gary Matten says:

    Great observations! I look forward to seeing you in Denver in December. I thought you might enjoy some “bad lip reading” of Michelle Bachman:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LFB6LQ1-WKU

  13. Karen Sorensen says:

    Kathleen! Didn’t you notice, Newt’s immigration policy is the same as yours!! A group of people judge the person based on their contribution to society and gives thumbs up or down. I think if he becomes president and that policy becomes law, it should be called the “Kathleen Madigan Immigration Act” and they could air it as a reality show on live TV!!

  14. Bernadette Chambers says:

    Nice post Kathleen. Love ya, love ya, love ya. And BTW, for those of you who don’t know, she’ll be in Boston at the Wilbur Theater on April 20 next year – already got my tickets.

  15. Tito Stevens says:

    Love ya, love ya, love ya. I even have my 14-year-old grandson listen when I pick him up at school. I second Joanna Rapoza about hoping to see you at Mohegan Sun but am looking forward to seeing you at the Willllburrr in Boston April 20th. You and Comedian Bob Marley crack me up. Him with his Maine jokes and you with your midwestern jokes, especially about your parents.

  16. Mindy Siro-Scott says:

    Kathleen, you are my favorite comedian. You say the same things my friends and I do…yes, we are sarcastic, snarky and cynical human beings but we are basically good people:) We also live in Jefferson City, very close to Lake Ozark, and love your area references….there is SO much material here…teehee.. Have a great Christmas holiday:)

  17. Tracey says:

    Kathleen, you are my favorite comedian. If we could just elect some more comedians to public office, I think we’d all have a lot more fun. Let’s let the retired people drive people to Mexico; sure, why not, it’s hilarious. Let’s all get cat scans at the airport too.

    Thank you so much for making my day with this blog post.

  18. I know you are being silly, however you are dead on!

  19. WST says:

    I just want the debates to go on forever…I get such a kick out of these candidates. Its not that I give a shit about the election,…to me its just great entertainment. If these candidates are America’s future…then what a long string of punch lines it will be as this once great country declines.Keep up the good work Kathaleen…

  20. Fred C says:

    Kathleen;
    Wife and I were on the cruise and had a blast. We missed you in Vegas; we tried but could not get home in time. OOO well; I am sure you soldiered on. I LLLOOOOVVE Rick Perry, Free comedy, what could be better, except living in Texas, where this guy is actually the GOV. Are you kidding me. Where else can teachers contribute to paying down the state debt when the croak (OK I know it didn’t pass, but its funny. He thinks the voting age is 21 and that there are 8 members of the supreme court. you should hire this guy. Keep on going, we will see you June.
    Fred and paula

  21. KateO says:

    Freaking hysterical! The end.

  22. John Ace says:

    Kathleen for president….. Or maybe vice president….. And if that doesn’t work out game warden in Alaska…… You Rock!

    • OK Kathleen:

      We just saw Lewis & John last night in Montgomery, AL. I realize that saying that brings up a load of questions in and of itself. Nevertheless, he blames much of his “New Jack Tech” on you. I think it only reasonable now that you come down here to the Montgomery Performing Arts Centre and defend your side of the story. Besides, we love you a lot too. I know I do, I can’t really speak for the rest of Alabama – a bit presumptuous don’t you think?

  23. Derek says:

    Kathleen, You are the funniest woman I have ever heard. Thanks for the laughs.

  24. Susan says:

    Kathleen, Come to Pittsburgh… Maybe then we can find out what happened to Jim Krenn (WDVE)You are the BEST.

  25. Lisa Brown says:

    OMG! My DH and I will be seeing you at the Kirby Center in 2 days. I love listening to you on Blue Coller Comedy so much that when I get to a dead zone for Sirius Radio (we are the hill folk of PA) I have to back up my car so I get radio reception until you finish. I laugh so hard the tears run down my pants. (At least I hope they’re tears.) Can’t wait until the 27th.

  26. cyndi miller says:

    In Ron White’s words…. you are the funniest woman on the planet!! Just saw you at the Keswick last Saturday. We are still laughing!!

  27. Hey Kathleen
    I first met you at Catch A Rising Star at Ballys Casino. You have got the funniest Comedian in the World. I’ve Tried to Catch every special that has been shown. You are coming to Dayton,Ohio and I am unable to attend!!!! PLEASE COME BACK

  28. Tell Lewis that I send my regards also. I was the black Bartender CARS.

  29. Debra says:

    Kathleen – I have loved your work for years. You are coming to my venue (Chandler Center for the Arts) this Saturday, Feb 18. I am the House Manager and can’t wait to hear you. I have been telling everyone I know to get a ticket – last I heard, we were almost sold out! So excited!

  30. The Queen says:

    If a Republican wins I’m moving to the Ozarks with your parents! (or Canada)

  31. Kevin Devers says:

    Dear Kathileen, Would You think Me to forward if I propose to You? I’d be proud to open Your Beer and light Your cigarettes. Sincerely, Kevin

  32. Julie 78 says:

    Too funny, especially your comments about Ron Paul…
    No one says it better than Kathleen!

  33. Sissy says:

    I have seen a couple of your shows and
    you rock. I hope to see more of you. You
    are like a female Ron White. Best female
    comedian I have seen ever.

  34. Chefski says:

    I have just recently found out you exist, and I’m in love. Your hilarious, hot, and alcoholic, every canadian boys dream (and American, canadians are sooo magoo) So bring the green card darlin’ and I’ll bring the beer. Good luck with your boisterous behaviour and booze.

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