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2012 Presidential Candidates

The Presidential Race is already starting again. It’s way too early, but so far I’m voting ‘no’ for everyone.

2012 Presidential Candidates:

 

Michelle Bachmann

No. Mainly because there are audio tapes of her saying we are in “the last days” and the rapture is soon upon us. I don’t want a president who thinks it’s last call. I know how I behave at last call and it’s reckless, argumentative and ridiculous. She’s also called herself a doctor when she didn’t have any degrees that would make her an actual doctor of anything. I thought only comedians did that when you get to check the box on an airline website for your “title.” We only do it to make ourselves laugh. “Welcome to American Airlines Dr. Madigan.” Then I laugh quietly inside my head. I’m not actually psycho enough to make that claim in public. She also doesn’t know when Elvis died. That’s the last straw for me.

 

Ron Paul

No. Ron wants a revolution, and frankly who doesn’t like a good revolution, but he’s too thin. In order for me to follow someone down a road of complete destruction and reconstruction, they would have to weigh more than my Mom for me to feel secure. If he gained 30 pounds, I’d reconsider. And his son appears to be a bit psycho so whatever you said at the supper table didn’t come across quite right to Junior.

 

Newt Gingrich

No. Probably the most intelligent and well informed guy out there, but I’ve let go of all of my day glow accessories, so I can’t go back to the 80′s. And if your election teams keep running from the office as if their asses are on fire, you must be a dick. There are so few jobs, you must be a colossal asshole if your employees are running out screaming “I quit! I quit! I’d rather starve than see your fat ass one more day of my life.” I did, however, enjoy his bitch slapping of Chris Wallace during the last debate. Newt’s middle name is Leroy. I’d vote for him if he went by Leroy Gingrich. Just because we’ve never had a Leroy as president.

 

Mitt Romney

No. I don’t believe he an actual person. He and his family look like the pictures of the families already in the frames when you buy them…nice, well groomed, but not real. He claims he’s never had a drink, smoke or drug in his life. Well, now you’ve made me think you’re sleeping with a goat. Something has to be going on to relieve stress and if it’s not one of the three above, it only gets weirder from there. The only person more boring is John Kerry. If they ran against each other, I believe it would be a zero-zero tie.

 

Barack Obama

No. He keeps telling us he needs our help. Well, as it turns out, we’re busy. We expected you to do this shit. And 9 out of 10 of us don’t know who our Congressmen, Reps or Senators are, so stop telling us to email them. Email us who they are with a link and a box to check and mayyyybbe we’ll do that.

 

Rick Perry

No. I’ve had a lot of fun in Texas over the years and met some fun people but I can’t handle another four years of someone saying, “this is how we do it in Texas…” We knowwww how you’d do it in Texas…George told us that shit for years. And he doesn’t believe in global warming. I don’t understand science but there are YouTube videos of polar bears sweating their asses of on icebergs drinking Coronas in the north pole. Something is fucked up, Rick. Maybe it doesn’t even matter if it is fucked up, but at least admit something is happening. I’m tripping over armadillos on my Missouri farm. ARMADILLOS in Missouri. When I was a kid, those only lived in Texas and Mexico. We only saw them in movies. Not normal. Again, I have no facts to back me up, just armadillos having Rave parties on my property.

 

Jon Huntsman

No one knows enough about this guy. That’s weird when you’re running for office. You know, to remain obscure and elusive. He didn’t say much at the debate. Just kinda stood there. Maybe that’s what we need. A president no one knows anything about. He looks like a president. He has a normal name. He hasn’t said anything too fucked up. That may be the most we can hope for at this point. Gene Simmons likes him and I like Gene Simmons and since I’m lazy and Gene’s not, I’ll at least consider not making a judgement on the mystery man just yet.

 

Ok, I’m off to shoot another armadillo. Before I shoot, I count to 10 in Spanish. Since they’re originally from Mexico I like to give them a fair chance to run and a fair warning in their native tongue.

 

 

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33 Responses to 2012 Presidential Candidates

  1. Karen says:

    You go “Dr. Madigan”! That was awesome!

    • Nancy Tonkins says:

      Okay ,the Dr.’s in the house! Gotta love it. Although, I thought maybe you would go with newt (A newt is an amphibian of the Salamandridae family) argument for Newt G – guess that was low hanging fruit and not Madigan style. I do love EVERY point you’ve made here. Clearly, you’ve been watching CNN and maybe too much other TV since you’re on top of all this. I think the armadillo war sound like more fun. Thanks for the chuckles!

  2. Donna Carter says:

    Excellent!! True!! And obviously well thought out.

  3. Shawn says:

    Hilarious! Please come to Tampa for the Republican Convention!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  4. Terry McGinn says:

    Leroy Gingrich is a winner for sure! But only has there never been a Leroy as president, there’s never been a Kathleen, either.

    How about Dr. President Kathleen Madigan?

  5. Kevin says:

    So funny, you nailed them all pretty well. Kathleen I think you should host the rest of the debates. You have a have a unique way of seeing through the bullshit!

  6. Allison says:

    It’s like you channeled every single opinion I had in my head…brill!

  7. Heidi Ely says:

    You totally got my thoughts 100 percent. I hate all of them.

  8. Bob says:

    Great…now I’ve got a mental image of Newt charging through the halls of Congress yelling “LEEEEEEEEEROY GINGRICH!”

    You’re a cruel person. :)

  9. Amy says:

    You a very funny lady!!!!! Seriously, nice take on each candidate!

  10. berg says:

    As always, thanks for the laugh. You’re the best! Just right about all of the candidtes :)

  11. Blueldybug says:

    Rick Perry is a used-car salesman. I live in Texas and I think people around here encouraged him to run for president just to get him to get out of the state. It’s our only hope! I think his campaign slogan should be, “Vote for Rick Perry, give Texas a break.”

  12. Beth says:

    That was AWESOME!

  13. beth olson says:

    why have you not talked your good friend Lewis Black into running ??? a funny jew would definately get my vote !

  14. Jeanne says:

    I love your comedy, Kathleen. When you go to Tampa (per request of Shawn) please visit the Fort Lauderdale area! I will be there!

  15. George Lyons says:

    Can’t say “right on” enough, Kathleen. But, right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on
    right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on right on!!

  16. Valerie says:

    I agree with Terry, Madam President Madigan! We haven’t had a President from Missouri since Harry Truman. ‘Bout time we fixed that!

  17. stephen anderson says:

    Kathleen, We love your sense of humor…I must
    remind you in the end that Barack Obama has not
    had the help of the Republicans in DC, for ANY SINGLE THING HE’S TRIED TO DO! You cannot rebuild an economy when filibusters stop every useful bill. Our son works in Washington and has to deal with the GOP every day…truly a
    depressing undertaking. Please lay the blame where it belongs…the public lost focus and
    elected a GOP majority in the house, instead of electing a filibuster proof Senate…just exactly bass ackwards.

  18. Charlene says:

    I was planning to write in your name. You may want to consider a running mate soon.

  19. Laurinda Conyers says:

    Hi Kathleen, Loved your take. Also heard you on Stephanie Miller. Still laughing about the granimals joke. I’ll probably be needing them soon. Thanks you made my day.

    L.

  20. Tuck says:

    Waiting for your ass to show up at the Turning Stone Casino in Oneida, NY. They serve alcohol now. I think you are the best! I would like to see you kick Kathy Griffen’s ass in a cage fight too. just sayin.

  21. Red Tolnai says:

    Madigan,
    I am still at the Nelson in KC. If you want a tour of the gallery when you are in town E me up.

  22. Alex says:

    You would be welcome in Victoria, BC – and all of you could come over, not just your ass. I agree with what you said about the candidates: too bad about having too many from Texas already, because President Ron White has an interesting ring to it. Also I would like to see Lewis Black get in, but only for one reason: when he realized that he would be the subject of his own rants, he would implode in a matter/antimatter kind of reaction, which would be funny to see. Tragic, but funny: and what is comedy without some tragedy?

  23. TommyJay says:

    Kathleen, you are the funniest lady of all time. Do what you do, and I’ll keep loving you forever.

  24. Miette says:

    Hilarious. As always. Thank you for sharing. :)

  25. Jane says:

    You just nailed them all. You are hilarious. My favorite of yours is your parents and the answering machine at your house. I laugh out loud whenever I just think of that one. I listen to Blue Collar Radio just to hear you! You are going to be within 50 miles of us at Riverside Casino and it is the same night as Frankie Vallie and the Four Seasons in Des Moines. I gave those tickets to my husband for our 40th anniversary!!!!!!!!! I am totally bummed about it, but we will see you somewhere on your next tour. Love all your Iowa jokes!

  26. MIke Wells says:

    Spot on… Way to go! Republicans have turned from a balance against the Democrats to keep things on a relatively even keel into a bunch of Jesus freak assholes who think they can get elected by being a bigger loon than the next guy. Huntsman is definitely worth keeping in mind, he’s not retarded like the rest, and he’s not a total prick. He’s only unknown because it’s his first go at a Presidential run, but as governor here in Utah, he did a lot of good, made people on both sides of the aisle happy, AND actually got a few of these idiotic liquor laws changed. Unfortunately not enough, and as soon as he left for China, these idiots started ruining everything he fixed. Right now, the only Republican that I would rather vote for than set on fire and launch from a catapult into a pool of gasoline also happens to be Huntsman.

  27. Cheri Solometo says:

    Right on about the candidates. I enjoy your comedy so much! Saw you at the Keswick theater and almost fell off my chair laughing but you weren’t the only funny one there. There was a very large man next to me eating a can of peas- Guess it’s the next best thing to popcorn!! Can’t wait to see you again!

  28. Rosaline says:

    I met John Huntsman at a parade in New Hampshire. Seemed sane…except for the whole wanting to be president thing…

  29. Mike L Tyson says:

    I saw Kathleen in Iraq in 08′ and heard her today on Carolla’s podcast. She is a warm goddess of feminine humor wrapped in a sustainable sarcastic blanket.

  30. Excellent analysis. Mucho apreciado!

  31. Ken Handel says:

    Ms. Madigan…

    Uh excuse me…but the blog post is from August and it’s now November. Rick Perry said “Oops,” Herman Cain is chanelling Clarence Thomas, Newt is rolling in money from Freddie Mac, Huntsman is invisible, Mitt Romney is still a creation of Disney animatronics, and I just saw you for the first time on Showtime in a performance dated 2010…Are you there? Are you with Obama, hiding in Australia? Are you secretly going to Occupy Wall Street sites to knock back a few with the 99%? Have you been taken prisoner in the Ozarks? Where are you?

  32. website says:

    How do you make your site look this sick!? Email me if you get the chance and share your wisdom. .

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