The Presidential Race is already starting again. It’s way too early, but so far I’m voting ‘no’ for everyone.
2012 Presidential Candidates:
No. Mainly because there are audio tapes of her saying we are in “the last days” and the rapture is soon upon us. I don’t want a president who thinks it’s last call. I know how I behave at last call and it’s reckless, argumentative and ridiculous. She’s also called herself a doctor when she didn’t have any degrees that would make her an actual doctor of anything. I thought only comedians did that when you get to check the box on an airline website for your “title.” We only do it to make ourselves laugh. “Welcome to American Airlines Dr. Madigan.” Then I laugh quietly inside my head. I’m not actually psycho enough to make that claim in public. She also doesn’t know when Elvis died. That’s the last straw for me.
No. Ron wants a revolution, and frankly who doesn’t like a good revolution, but he’s too thin. In order for me to follow someone down a road of complete destruction and reconstruction, they would have to weigh more than my Mom for me to feel secure. If he gained 30 pounds, I’d reconsider. And his son appears to be a bit psycho so whatever you said at the supper table didn’t come across quite right to Junior.
No. Probably the most intelligent and well informed guy out there, but I’ve let go of all of my day glow accessories, so I can’t go back to the 80’s. And if your election teams keep running from the office as if their asses are on fire, you must be a dick. There are so few jobs, you must be a colossal asshole if your employees are running out screaming “I quit! I quit! I’d rather starve than see your fat ass one more day of my life.” I did, however, enjoy his bitch slapping of Chris Wallace during the last debate. Newt’s middle name is Leroy. I’d vote for him if he went by Leroy Gingrich. Just because we’ve never had a Leroy as president.
No. I don’t believe he an actual person. He and his family look like the pictures of the families already in the frames when you buy them…nice, well groomed, but not real. He claims he’s never had a drink, smoke or drug in his life. Well, now you’ve made me think you’re sleeping with a goat. Something has to be going on to relieve stress and if it’s not one of the three above, it only gets weirder from there. The only person more boring is John Kerry. If they ran against each other, I believe it would be a zero-zero tie.
No. He keeps telling us he needs our help. Well, as it turns out, we’re busy. We expected you to do this shit. And 9 out of 10 of us don’t know who our Congressmen, Reps or Senators are, so stop telling us to email them. Email us who they are with a link and a box to check and mayyyybbe we’ll do that.
No. I’ve had a lot of fun in Texas over the years and met some fun people but I can’t handle another four years of someone saying, “this is how we do it in Texas…” We knowwww how you’d do it in Texas…George told us that shit for years. And he doesn’t believe in global warming. I don’t understand science but there are YouTube videos of polar bears sweating their asses of on icebergs drinking Coronas in the north pole. Something is fucked up, Rick. Maybe it doesn’t even matter if it is fucked up, but at least admit something is happening. I’m tripping over armadillos on my Missouri farm. ARMADILLOS in Missouri. When I was a kid, those only lived in Texas and Mexico. We only saw them in movies. Not normal. Again, I have no facts to back me up, just armadillos having Rave parties on my property.
No one knows enough about this guy. That’s weird when you’re running for office. You know, to remain obscure and elusive. He didn’t say much at the debate. Just kinda stood there. Maybe that’s what we need. A president no one knows anything about. He looks like a president. He has a normal name. He hasn’t said anything too fucked up. That may be the most we can hope for at this point. Gene Simmons likes him and I like Gene Simmons and since I’m lazy and Gene’s not, I’ll at least consider not making a judgement on the mystery man just yet.
Ok, I’m off to shoot another armadillo. Before I shoot, I count to 10 in Spanish. Since they’re originally from Mexico I like to give them a fair chance to run and a fair warning in their native tongue.