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Rory McIlroy

What an awesome win at the US Open. I cried when he hugged his Dad. I don’t cry often. Sometimes I cry when the GEICO lizard gets sad, but usually he’s having a good laugh. It’s rare when the Irish come in first at anything. If drinking earned medals, we’d kick everyone’s ass. I think the Russians would give us a good run, but fuck you, Vladimir; we will give up our souls to win a drinking competition. We only won one medal in the Beijing Olympics and that was a boxer who probably wasn’t even “officially” entered. Probably just a drunk Irish guy who got a weird look from some Chinese guy in a bar and started punching Chinese people ’til he accidentally won a gold medal.

And yes, I am admittedly a Tiger hater. I’d like to state my Tiger hating began pre-I slept with 900 women other than my wife and the one who works at the Waffle House. I don’t care what he does off the course. My brother and I have argued for years over this because he is not a Tiger hater. He says Tiger plays with “passion.” I say, “Yeah, whatever, Patrick. You can ‘play with passion’ and still not be a dick”. Tiger never smiles, never laughs his ass off, is never accommodating to fans or the media, which he pathologically lies to. If I was a member of the press, I wouldn’t even ask him questions anymore because 9 out of 10 answers are a lie.

“Are you hurt?”

“No, I’m fine.”

Two days later, he’s withdrawing from a tourney because he’s hurt. If I was forced to ask him shit, then when I wrote my article, I’d put after each sentence–(could be a lie, don’t blame me.)

It was nice to see Rory, a 22-year-old, who smiles, laughs and at least APPEARS to be having fun while kicking everyone’s ass. Good for him. Rory ate it at the Masters like the French dude at the British Open but he stood there and answered every question and gave actual answers instead of whatever some bullshit “sports shrink” told him to say. I’m sure it’s embarrassing to have a meltdown in front of the world. I’m embarrassed at my Mom’s “Ladies League” when I miss a putt and they’re all 80 and blasted by 9 a.m. He said he just wanted to go have beers with his friends. So would I after that meltdown. But that’s what is fun about the Irish. We like a good drink (or 12) after extreme sadness or extreme happiness. Or really anytime, but more so in the extreme moments.

I do hope Tiger comes back. But only so Rory or Ricky or any other of the 20 somethings can kick his ass. For 15 years of acting like an asshole, I think 15 years of getting his ass handed to him would bring it back to even. And no matter what, I’m still rooting for Raymond Floyd. My brother doesn’t see it, but Raymond is gonna make the comeback of the century and win Masters at age 60.

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19 Responses to Rory McIlroy

  1. stephanie batozech says:

    Damn, I love u!!!

  2. Michelle says:

    You are quite simply AWESOME Kathleen. Thank you to Sirus XM for introducting you to me. I love love love your jokes.

  3. Ol' Pablo says:

    Jesus and Moses are golfing and come to a water hazard. Moses pulls his 3 wood and smacks it right over the water to the green. When Jesus pulled his 9 iron, Moses stopped him and said, “You’ll never make it over the water with that.” Jesus replies, “I’ve seen Tiger do it, and if he can do it, I can.” He knocks the ball straight into the water.

    Moses shakes his head, parts the water and retrieves Jesus’ ball, urging him to put away the 9 iron. Jesus insists, “If Tiger can do it, so can I.” Again, hits it directly into the water.

    This time, Jesus walks out on the water and holds his hand out and the ball pops up into his hand. And so it goes…

    Noticing these miracles, a crowd soon gathers. A bewildered spectator nudges Moses and says, “He can’t make that shot with a 9 iron. Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ??” Moses just shakes his head, “Nope, he thinks he’s Tiger Woods.”

  4. Grete says:

    Can’t wait to see you in Nashville next month!

  5. Knitty says:

    I agree! Tiger never showed us that he was human. And ignoring the fans? I’m sure it is annoying for celebrities in all walks of life to be hounded while they are with their families, trying to eat dinner or something the rest of us take for granted, but some handle this well by politely declining and saying they’re with their families, etc. Some fans will be jerks about that, but I bet a lot can appreciate that and continue to admire the person.

    Even in sports where your technical ability means more for product sponsorships, a disliked jerk isn’t going to draw people to the product as well as a congenial celeb who appreciates his/her fans.

  6. Debbie vara says:

    Madigan you are right on w your blog about Rory and Tiger! It was sooooo cool to see young Rory win!

  7. Patrick says:

    Tiger Who?????? Forgot about him already.

  8. Ol' Pablo says:

    Another semi-related classic…
    ———–
    A man wakes up one morning to find his wife was gone, along with their child, furniture and valuables. He finds a note on the fridge explaining that she’d found someone else and won’t be back. Hoping to salvage what’s left of his life, he decides to go to work, where he is fired by his boss for no apparent reason.

    On the drive home, the man gets nearly to his house when his car’s steering goes out and it runs off the road, flips over, and bursts into flames. As he crawls from the wreckage, he can see in the distance that his house is also on fire.

    The unfortunate man angrily raises his fist to the sky and shouts, “God, why me?!!”

    A voice answers from the heavens… “Something about you just pisses me off.”
    ———-

  9. Dana says:

    In the drab and dreary of making ends meet. It is awesome to laugh… You make me laugh. I thank you.

  10. Eddie S says:

    gotta love those beautiful, short fiesty redheads who aren’t afraid to throw back a Guinness and tell it like it is (and colorfully too), maybe Tiger should stop giving blood to Charlie, he’d feel better

  11. Seamus Quinn says:

    Kathy,
    Hilarious as usual! Also, I agree with you wholeheartly that Tiger is a dick! I have known this for a long time, like you. It’s nice to see mainstream America come around to our way of thinking. I’m so sick of the guy, I just cringe whenever I see him being interviewed. He is such a phony asshole!

  12. MikeIz says:

    My wife absolutely hates Tiger Woods! Her cousin is Chris DiMarco and when Tiger beat him at the 2005 Masters…yeesh…let’s just say that ole’ Tiger made it onto her shit list. Yep, his name is on top of the list in capital letter with a @#$% suffix for emphasis.

  13. Caronna-Beard says:

    Man, I knew you’d make it but who knew you’d be this big. Just saw you on T.V. entertaining the troops. I love it when you talk about “Kate”. I first heard you talk about your sister when you were both living in the Ozarks. I am in awe of how far you’ve come. Do you realize we are close in age now and I was your high school teacher??Drop me a line sometime, will you, please?

  14. Doreen Hiltz says:

    Hey Kathleen
    I agree with ur comments. Finally got to see u in concert in Nantucket. U were awesome, gracious and very good to ur fans. Can’t wait to see u in Boston in January and April 2011.
    U rock and keep going

  15. Kathy, I luuuuuuuuuuv you. Why couldn’t I marry a K-MAD type of woman. But your Tiger hating ?? Dang ! I’m starting to think you were one of the notches on his bedpost. Did you cougar him up one night ? ;) Your awesome. Hoping to catch you in New Brunswick 9/10.

  16. ayelet says:

    i have not laughed this much in a looong time, I cried! Thank you, thank you thank you. You are amazing!

  17. KateO says:

    Brilliant.

  18. Jo Arnold says:

    When do you EVER tour in the south/southwest? Granted, we may not sound like we are well educated but some of us are and would love to see you in concert. Even if we don’t know when to laugh at all your jokes, we will laugh every time we see other people laugh. How about a trip below the Mason/Dixon line and let us show you how far we have come as far as humor goes. Even Lewis Black toured in Oklahoma City for God’s sake. That has to say something.

  19. Well, I maybe a bit late in finding this blog (and, as a result, responding to it) but it’s my experience that humor never gets moldy so even though this has been out there for 2 and a half years, I also have to thank you for the great laugh. I am a golfer who used to be a HUGE tiger fan but I have to say that after he put pleasuring his shaft and balls as priority number one over what his actions would do to his beautiful family and the integrity of the game, I’m now more of a ceiling fan. I believe what goes around comes around. I think it’s wonderful that he lost his game, endorsements and fan base around the world while yours, Kathleen, just keeps growing! I will see you at the Birchmere April 13 2013! Can’t wait!

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