Chaz Bono

Chaz Bono was on Oprah this week to discuss her transition to becoming a man. I’ve watched those specials on TV about people who feel trapped in the wrong body and I believe them. They all say they wanna kill themselves if they can’t switch so I’m gonna go ahead and say they’re telling the truth. I’ve also watched 10 Larry King shows where he’s tried to understand these people but can’t and still can’t understand who they’re sleeping with now or why. “Wait, are you gay? You were gay and you’re still gay? Why? Are you straight? Do the parts work? Who’d you like before? Men or women? Let’s take a break.” Yes, Larry, let’s do. Larry trying to understand is more entertaining than if Larry actually became a woman. I feel happy that Chaz has gone ahead and gotten the surgery that will finally make her feel like she’s in the right body. I can’t imagine feeling like you’re in the wrong body. As much as I’ve drank and smoked, I can’t even really feel my own body and that’s fine with me.

I’m Chaz’s age and I can’t imagine having the energy to have elective surgery of any kind. I’m too tired to go to Lens Crafters. I know I should. Everyday I feel like my contacts are in the wrong eyes and everything is slightly sideways, but not sideways enough for me to drive anywhere to get anything done about it. I can’t imagine telling my family that the whole time they’ve know me I really wanted to be a man. They’re pretty open minded but this sort of announcement would definitely ruin Christmas. One year, my youngest brother said he might not take anything seriously for awhile after college and instead just travel around with a backpack or bartend in Chicago for fun. I thought my Dad was going to lean over the mashed potatoes and punch him in the face. “Travel around? Whadda think, you’re Jesus? You can’t just wander around. You’re going to get a job and act like a normal person. Period.” My brother became a stockbroker.

If my brother had announced that instead of being Patrick, he wanted to be Patricia, it would have been the greatest moment of the rest of my and my siblings lives. Wow. He’s thrown down the last card! SHOCCCKING! There’s no fucking up beyond this! We’re free to have sex with a donkey! Not that we would, but that would still be less traumatic. “Hey, I was drunk in Tijuana, it was a dare, c’mon, it didn’t reallllly happen, just sorta drunken fun. I’m not marrying the donkey….or having a sex change….god, everyone relax and remind meeee to not tell you anything fun anymore.”

There’s nothing, ever, that I can think of, that would be more shocking to parents. And neither of my parents is CHER, although my Mom does have Cher ranked high on her Ipod and my father just keeps asking what kind of Indian she is. Cher made an announcement, I imagine after 65 shots of Mad Dog, saying she supports Chaz’s sex change surgery decision. My father’s announcement would have been something along the lines of, “Although my wife and I thought we loved our children unconditionally, as it turns out, we don’t. This little son of a bitch Patrick has lost his mind. When we said “our children” we meant the sex they were born so since he hasn’t kept up his end of the deal, neither are we. We are officially not talking to him anymore. We will play the Irish game of every other family member telling us about him and delivering messages on our behalf but we are done speaking to him directly. We will keep him in the will as PATRICK but no one named PATRICIA will be picking up an inheritance check which at this point, to cope with this news, will probably be gambled away at an Indian Casino because my wife and I forget all our problems when we gamble. I was going to leave him my hunting rifles and a nice lawn mower but since he’s chosen to become a woman, I’m now leaving those things to my sons who have not lost their goddamn minds.”

Somehow, my dad would also find someone on my Mom’s side of the family to blame. “Well look at your Uncle Hibby. He wasn’t right. Everyone knew he was a little fruit.” My mom would ignore these comments knowing full well his uncle Neil used to be a woman named Nellie. As his sibling, I’d go along with Patrick’s “journey” because he let us all off the shock hook and I’d hope and pray that he would not look better than me as a woman. That would be just depressing enough for me to wanna become a man.

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26 Responses to Chaz Bono

  1. Ami Plott says:

    Gotta tell you, I love your response to this. We don’t have anybody in our family (at least nobody who as brought it to our attention) who is dealing with this, but everything you said rings true to what would happen at our table. Probably at a whole lotta’ tables around America! You, Kathleen, are always right to the point and on target…love that about you.

    Hey, if everybody “followed the rules of life”. how flippin’ boring would that be. You’re the best! I would love if you came into the Cleveland area. My husband loves you too…we would buy tickets within seconds of hearing you were coming in!

    By the way, I totally can relate to everythng you say about growing up Catholic, you are spot on!

    Thanks for the laughter,

  2. Duane says:

    ROTFLMAO I love you Kathleen! Exactly what I needed after a day like today! I already think you’re pretty hot, but your sense of humor makes you friggin Meagan Fox!

  3. Justin says:


    This was hilarious. Thank you for keeping us all laughing even when we can’t see you on stage every week!!


  4. Barbara Zimet says:

    This is AWESOME!!!!I can’t stop laughing….Kathleen you soooooo ROCK!

  5. Seriously says:

    I wish I did not take life so serious and could feel light-hearted inside my head all the time like you do. Maybe it requires heavy drinking!. See you on the Cruuuiiiise!

  6. Erin says:

    It’s nice to see Chaz making his rounds on the talk shows. I think putting himself in the public eye like that is important for others who might feel alienated with “being in the wrong body.” I love your blogs, Kathleen — they are hilarious. I ate Papa John’s pizza last night and now I really don’t feel like I belong in this body, lol.

  7. Marcia says:

    Hey, don’t talk that way about my Uncle Hibby!

  8. gregster says:

    I’d like to ask my sister to become a man. Just to try it out for a while. She fancies herself open-minded, but after being raised Catholic, she’s now an Amway Christian who thinks I’m a dream-stealer.

    Who knew? Who would have guessed that growing up in a psychological theme park would drive her to listen to Christian Rock music, talk in tongues and strong arm her dwindling roster of friends and relatives into buying overpriced wash powder?

    So, please, person I hardly know anymore — I was on board when you married a bumpkin from Texas when no one else was — seal the deal and make your estrangement from your family honest, above board and complete: change your gender. At least wear a strap on for your copper husband so that you can try out actually being the one who plays god in your world.

    Androgyny is so much less attractive when it’s your kid sister who’s literally pulling it off.

  9. Patty Arbo says:

    Kathleen I just saw you when you were in Detroit and damn you just keep getting better and better. You took a really sensitive subject and made it flipping hilarious!!!! I think Chaz would even be laughing right now. You are not afraid to take on the big issues but you do it without being mean or hateful. You always surprise me with your take on things. Just love ya! See ya in November!!!

  10. Tuck says:

    The only thing I found most disturbing about that Chaz show, was the fact that the girlfriend wanted to pop the zit on his/her back.

  11. Danny Drees says:

    you may be the funniest person alive, ive bought all your cds and listen to them over and over…. you should have a show in Iowa sometime!

  12. Tokyobling says:

    Saw a Kathleen DVD for the first time last night and am now kicking myself for not discovering her earlier.

    She’s like the funny smart older sister I always wanted but never had.

    I’ll get back to reading the blog now. Thank you.

  13. Corkie Smith says:

    Kathleen, I’d like for you to imagine a trip to the beauty shop where you then have a deep conversation about both of your estranged mothers, with the hair dresser who is CUTTING YOUR HAIR !!!!! I’ve lived it, it isn’t very pretty.

  14. Kristina says:

    When will kathleen be coming to Philly /atlantic city/ NYC , please?
    I just found out who you were and I have become a real fan. Can’t wait to see you live!
    Did you see Larry king when the man who had baby was on. I laughed the whole time because of how befuddled he is.

    • Webmistress says:

      Kathleen will be in AC October 22nd at Trump Plaza. Tix aren’t on sale yet, but should be in a month or so.

  15. Ol' Pablo says:

    Really? Two blog postings? That’s it?

    Kathleen, you are way too funny to keep us hanging like this. More blogs! I know the word, “blog” sounds like something nasty floating in a pool, but you mustn’t let that deter you.

    Oh, and Chaz – repulsive as both male and female, but I suppose that’s my issue. You, on the other hand…mrrrowww!

  16. Heidi Ely says:

    hilarious. as always.

  17. Melinda says:

    Ok so love you stuff. Just found your site and I’m still laughing that you have blog– it’s like getting your stuff for free ;-). But really I watch a clip this morning on your bit about doing the comedy cruise —wait still giggling– and I so totally saw one of your jokes go in a different direction, wasn’t sure it was safe until I saw the donkey reference above ;-). But when you said you flip on the TV and saw the bill from the night before 14 margaritas and a swim with the dolphins-“what now wait a. Minute- so I called the Down to the desk and told them i donor recall a swim with the dolphins yesterday– next thing I know Javers knocking at my door with a photo LOL. And I said looks like the dolphin should pay for this one “. That is where I thought you going with that! Cheers, Melinda

  18. Dear Kathleen Madigan,

    Thank you for another hilarious essay. You gave me the courage to finally publish a blog piece on transgender issues that I wrote a couple of months ago. I humbly invite you to read it here: http://rangeleymoose.wordpress.com/2011/11/22/transgender-surgery-big-bang-for-your-buck/

    Also, if you are so inclined, please check out a wonderful NY based comic named Mary Dimino…I am trying to get her one-woman show “Scared Skinny” Facebook “likes” up to 1000. (Just one of many neurotic activities I like to engage in to pass the time.) The link is: https://www.facebook.com/pages/SCARED-SKINNY-written-and-performed-by-Mary-Dimino/119374681407632

    Thank you so much for taking the time to read my comments….and for giving the world all of yours! Happy Thanksgiving.

    Joanna G. Rapoza

  19. Cherise says:

    OMG, Kathleen you think telling your parents would have been bad-try telling your parents when you’ve been raised in the deep south also known as the “Bible Belt” (which my father used on us regularly)….I mean everything was a sin and guilt was one of the four food groups. I am 50 and I still have guilt over texting OMG.
    I remember one Sunday morning when I was 11 sitting in church listening to my weekly dose of “fire and brimstone” and the Pastor says (insert southern accent here) “If you don’t like church you ain’t gonna like heaven” I was like…O Shit! I’m fucked!! Heaven is boring torture and Hell is just torture!

  20. Sandy says:

    Kathleen, when are you going to play in the Los Angeles area again? Love your show so much!!!

  21. Lori Crowe says:

    Bored at work, I am finally reading your blogs.This is the funniest shit I have ever read. Ironically, I think my father would have rather I announced that I was becoming a man. Instead of a lesbian.And now 20 years later my mother is convinced that my choice to leave the behavioral health field can only lead to my becoming a “gay hooker”. That’s me..Lori..Behavioral specialist by day…Gay hooker by night.Keep the laughs coming.People are too damn serious these days.

  22. Patti says:

    I LMAO every morning listening to my Pandora station of Kathleen Madigan, hysterical and you know you just got to laugh at the stupid shit people say and do, especially our parents, brothers and sisters. I tell you I thought I needed to see a psychiatrist, but I have decided to become a comedian, I have enough material to last for decades, DECADES. Thank you for the laughs, thank you for helping the bs be a lot easier to deal with. Crazy isn’t :) LIVE LOVE and LAUGH…. got to….

  23. Debi Irby says:

    Aloha Kathleen and Webmistress, you are too funny (I guess as a comedian nothing is ever too funny). When are you coming to Hawaii? Maui specifically would be awesome.

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