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Birth Certificate

Well we’ve established Obama was born in this country. Whew. Thank…you…DONALD. You are a can-do big barking dog. It’s been weighing heavy on four nut job’s minds in this country for years. Now they can relax and watch Swamp People like normal happy Americans (I include myself in this group). I can’t believe people give a shit even if he wasn’t born here. I don’t care if he’s a Martian. Seriously, I’d soooo vote for a Martian. I’d actually prefer a Martian. I’d campaign for the little guy. We could use an alien in charge. It’d put the fear of God in the jackass politicians who get nothing done if they knew the small Martian president could evaporate them simply by pointing his finger their way.

And as an aside, I find it odd that Donald and Rosie are constantly fighting as they are now the exact same size. I also saw Ann Coulter weigh in on the birth certificate issue and I’m not sure what she was saying because I could only focus on the size of her adam’s apple which is larger than any tranny bartender’s in West Hollywood.

 

Tonight’s conversation, somewhere in America, in a basement with a blinking beer sign:

 

“Bullshit. He just ain’t from America. He ain’t proved it.”

“Well today they done said he proved he was born in Hawaii.”

“Like I said, dumbass, he wasn’t born here. Hawaii ain’t here. It’s an island, like Gilligan’s.”

“Well they count Alaska and that’s a island. Pass me a beer.”

“That’s attached, dumbass. By a big ass bridge. It’s right by Utah and Hong Kong. Look at a map. Goddamn, you hurt my brain.”

“Well what about Puerto Rico….is that a state?”

“I don’t know shit about Puerto Rico and I don’t care to know about the Mexicans from there.”

“If you don’t throw that dart, I’m gonna take it and shove it up your ass.”

“Shut it Bob. I’ll throw when I aim right. I ain’t throwing all crazy and losing a six pack because you don’t know logistical geographical stuff. You need to understand, the man is from Kenya. Plain and simple.”

“Where’s that?”

“Fuck if I know but it ain’t near here or I’d have heard about it at bowling. And it ain’t in the constitution. I know that.”

“I quit bowling because it’s bullshit to charge $6 a game when it don’t cost them nothin…I brought my own shoes and ball. It’s just plain ass bullshit.”

“And that’s why you’re single and playin darts with me Bob. You don’t get it. You never did. I’ll say it again Bob, where are the hot chicks? JOYFULL COMSIC LANES Bob. You think I’d have found Trudy in this basement? No bob. No. Listen to me, Obama is bullshit. He’s foriegn, like a fire ant in Canadia. Bowling is real. And American. Do you see the Chinese bowling Bob? No, you don’t.”


God Bless America.

 

 

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29 Responses to Birth Certificate

  1. Marianne C. says:

    …..holy moly here comes a tornado….looks like a shit storm kicked up by the liberals…can’t wait to see KKM in SF tonight!!

  2. Marianne C. says:

    hey….why don’t you get some frickin’ t-shirts or truckers hat with your funny stuff on there? I’d add it to my “More Cowbell” t-shirt. Make it Green like the Master’s Jackets…that was really funny…looks like Tiger could use a little Southern boy help about now…..see you in SF been waiting for months!!!

  3. Whitney Marie says:

    Thanks for the laugh, Kathleen! :-)

  4. Grace Russo says:

    I’m running for president next year and drag my 2 best friends along with me….Who in their right minds will fuck with a country with 2 redheaded women in office and a Puerto Rican as Sec. of State….You know they will be sitting at some bullshit meeting staring at us thinking I bet the Sec of State has razors in her hair and the President and VP are hammered….Hell I’d take beer in leiu of Pay…lol

  5. QandleQueen says:

    I swear I’ve heard that conversation! Too funny!

  6. DGirl57 says:

    Kathleen: You are by far the funniest comedian–you have middle America down. My grandmother once told a young hairdresser that her one grandson was in the army in Europe and she asked if that was near California. Then my grandmother said her other grandson lived in Utah. And the girl said, “Is that near Europe?” Hopefully the military teaches geography to the soldiers–they’re sure not getting it in school.

  7. gina robertson says:

    Love it Kathleen. @ Grace, i’d vote for your drunk ass. Hehe

  8. Brian Carroll says:

    Well Kathleen you’re as funny in print as on stage Btw could hear your imitation of your father as i read this LOL

  9. Mariann says:

    Just watched the White House Correspondence Dinner.
    Trump looked pissed
    and his whole table looked miserable! What a shithead.

  10. Knitty says:

    I think you should run. I would vote for you. Seriously. You couldn’t do worse than most which is a high endorsement! Just think of all the talking heads spinning into a frenzy over you not taking things seriously or worried that you were serious when you said needs to shut up, go home, open a beer and veg on the couch.

    I think I’ll go work on a campaign slogan for you. Beats fixing dinner.

  11. Anastasia Beaverhousen (nee Roswell) says:

    Sorry Grace Russo, but my last name is Roswell. As in Roswell, New Mexico and aliens. And since aliens seem to be what the world is waiting for (source: Kathleen’s blog statement) then the name alone makes my battle for presidency in 2012 that much easier. And by battle I do mean intergalactic. Ipso facto. And no, I don’t know what that means but I like to say it and I say it like I know what it means which is the other half of the presidential battle. That’s a lot of battles for someone who’s not in office yet and it should earn me some brownie points when They discover that I have no military record. Is America ready for an alien in the White House? Ask the dumbasses playing darts and swilling beer in basements across the country.

  12. Uggswell P. Gravel says:

    Kathleen Madigan/Uggswell P. Gravel 2012. Har har har.

  13. Renay says:

    Ms. Kathleen you are like a good cup of coffee:It goes too soon,is too good to give up,and there’s never enough. Seriously, all the dumbass…”point 0s,s.park,fam.guys” play all over a gazillion times a minute-with their adolescent,women hatin’ doo-doo jokes! Don’t ever change-just evolve-you are my FAV-0-rite alien of all time!

  14. SkullCandy says:

    Have you been wire tapping my uncle’s basement “man cave”? That’s the IQ level of most discussions down there.

    We’s dumb. Dumb as hell. -Meat Wad from Aqua Teen Hunger Force

  15. MyName says:

    Very funny stuff. I’ll be back for more.

  16. gary gene says:

    why not have a martian with little antenas he could even tell the wheather and give traffic reports and other news around the globe and have his ownlittle army i like this kathy from gary gene michigan

  17. gary gene says:

    one more reply cant get over the martian remark thats funny iam lol as iam sitting here went to motor city casino lastnight and i not joking i was at the bar andtheir was a martain sitting next to me alls she said was what!! hah!! yah!! ok!!yep!!belch!!!**!! i thought that was good for a martain who cares if their white black or green lol cant help it u started it if they can say thouse words i will vote forthem to. and she had freinds their. went to a slot mechine the martian stood up looked at me. eyes where real big and she was shaking and very nicely said good luck as she limped away.one more thing some martians have oxigan botteles and masks looks alittel scareyyyy but nice. bigg eyes too.look alittle green same as the one at the bar.get back with me u have opened up my eyes.p.s.your nice and realy funny to me gary gene michigan

  18. ChicagoPaul says:

    You are right on, Kathleen. I haven’t given a shit about the birth certificate issue since it started, nor do I take the Donald seriously. I don’t quite agree on voting for an alien (refer to the Simpsons episode where Kang becomes president), but otherwise I’m with you.

    One funny argument I’ve heard from the birthers is that Obama’s father wasn’t American, therefore he isn’t a natural-born American as defined in the constitution (somewhere). But the obvious flaw in that argument is that if the constitution actually said that, then NONE of us would be considered American – unless you happen to be Native American with only Native American ancestry.

  19. azdreamchaser says:

    Kathleen, I was so looking forward to seeing you on your current tour. WTF…why are you not scheduled for AZ?

  20. Mark says:

    Hilarious post!!

  21. Patrick Michael Dwyer says:

    “….I also saw Ann Coulter weigh in on the birth certificate issue and I’m not sure what she was saying because I could only focus on the size of her adam’s apple which is larger than any tranny bartender’s in West Hollywood.’ HA HA!
    I have never been to Hollywood(March AFB in Riverside was closest I was) but that is so funny!Thank you Kathleen, been a fan since the “Ya totally low balled yourself!” joke about the ten dollar exit fee to fly out of Canada in the winter! Patrick.

  22. Eddie S says:

    martians,lol- reminds me of your act from around 2000…”that’s why the aliens don’t ever stay, look at the people they meet when they get here”. “come’ere ya little critters”, “Earth is the Alabama of the universe and we don’t even know it”, from that to “because they’re poor and Taco Bell is goddamn delicious”
    You’ve been hilarious a loooong time Kathleen, don’t ever lose the sense of humor.

  23. carlos says:

    Just saw your stand up show on netflix and loved your observations on the reality that we part of. Give our best to Lewis who we saw several years ago in San Antonio. It was easy to tell who the republicans in the audience were. The were not laughing. Notice that you have no dates in austin texas…or any where near by. Hope to see your show here someday. cheers…carlos and beth

  24. Michael says:

    I’ve heard your bit so many times I can actually hear your southern drawl in my head while reading that. Funny shit. See you in Elgin next week!

  25. Delicious dialogue. Thank you for a very entertaining post. In Ann Coulter’s defense, she may have a thyroid condition, in addition to her sociopathy.

    Kindest regards,
    Joanna Rapoza
    http://rangeleymoose.wordpress.com/2011/11/03/the-sht-storm-cometh/

  26. jesse junior says:

    You are soooo fucking funny, best comedy in a long time…right up there with Chris,Black/Pryor, hope to see you in the Carolina’s sometime

  27. Mark M says:

    OMG I’m not the only one that thinks Ann Coulter is a Tyranny She should show us her real Birth Certificate from Canada since she’s 53, She claims to be only 50 and from NY. Lets see the long Form Arnold Coulter

  28. Joe Crump says:

    Who gives a shit about the Democrats or the Republicans. they’re all the same they lie to win re-election. Lets just accept that government is broken at all levels in this lovely land. When are you going to do a gig in NW Arkansas. The hillbillies here love you. XXXOOO

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